You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone: Our New Take on My Dad's Refrain

Trisha Niermeyer Potter ©2015

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gone again soon” is an expression my dad used when we were growing up.  He said it when one of us would show any sort of disapproval or weariness in response to his words or actions.  

He was well-known for his corny jokes, elaborate pranks, and dramatic overtures, few of which we appreciated during certain periods of our lives when most kids find their parents exasperating.  

Dad had an affinity for inserting random fictitious characters and/or destinations into children’s books that my sister and I had long ago memorized word for word.  

Suddenly, he'd have Little Red Riding heading to Burger King or something equally as out-of-character.  My mom, sister, and I have always been book lovers, so we didn't take kindly to this sort of literary torture even at a tender young age. My dad gloated over the sheer pleasure of getting us all riled up.  As is the case with many dads, he excelled at this.    

Back then, he was very likely to be “gone again soon.”  When he was climbing the corporate ladder in pharmaceutical sales, he traveled quite a bit, so there wasn’t usually much layover at home in between business trips.    

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gone again soon” was typically said with a sad countenance.  My dad could resemble a clown.  He could appear happy on the outside while globs of sorrow would ooze out every once in a while.  I hated when he’d say this in such a dejected tone of voice.  It made me feel guilty for being upset with him.  I was simply expressing my displeasure with something that he’d said or done, not wishing that he wasn’t there at all. 

It was years later when I realized that he really believed that we would have been happier without him there.  And, to be honest, sometimes we were more relaxed, at ease, free to be ourselves when just with Mom.  Even so, it is always horrible to feel unwanted, unwelcome, unloved, or unappreciated.  Of course, I felt the presence and absence when my dad passed away.  I feel it still.

Kevin and I have gotten in the habit of saying a variation of this phrase to each other, but it has a different, more optimistic twist.  “You know you’d miss me” or “you’d miss me eventually” are our oft-repeated responses when we’ve said or done something that runs the gamut from endearing to outrageous. 

I like our versions.  They imply that we would be missed because we are loved, even with all of our idiosyncrasies, faults, and flaws.  Implicit also is that we have dearly missed one another in the past.  

My mom's gift to me when I turned 18.

Kevin and I spent several years at the beginning of our relationship living several states apart.  We began officially dating when I turned 18.  Missing each other was something we did often and well. 

Through God's grace (and my mom's), we made it through our time of separation through many phone calls, letters, notes, more phone calls, and the occasional visits.  I mention phone calls twice because we spent a lot of time talking even before we were dating officially.  

What do I mean by a lot?  This will give you an idea.  To celebrate my 18th birthday,  my mom took me out to dinner and presented me a nicely wrapped box with this inside: the hard copy of our AT&T phone bill for the first few months that led to our dating as soon as I turned 18.  My gift was that my mom paid for the bill.  I was tremendously grateful and really surprised we'd racked up such a high bill in such a short period of time.  

You've likely heard this song featured in the movie Pitch Perfect.  It sums up pretty well what Kevin and I mean when we say "you know you'd miss me."

One of Kevin's co-workers loved to say: "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"  As a married couple living in a two bedroom apartment, we sometimes feel that way about each other.  We each need some downtime alone, but no matter how much we get on each other's nerves, we do miss one another when we have to spend significant chunks of time apart.  Another phrase I often say is: "It's good to be missed; it means you're loved.

Kevin and I both miss our dads, but we're grateful for what they taught us while they were here about what's most important in life: love, relationships, and being present.

Top 10 Father's Day Posts to Celebrate Dapper Dads, Good Guys, & Model Men

The following are personal reflections, some profiles of some remarkable men, and some inspiring books for and/or about great dads and exemplary father figures: 

1. In Memory of My Dad: James Lester Niermeyer
2. In Memory of Our Fathers
3. Remembering Harry Potter

4.Go to Joseph

5. Go Ask Your Father

6.A Truly Gentle Man: Joseph Francis Geiger 

7. Passing Along the Faith: the Legacy of Walter Carlin Barrett Sr.

8.Parenting on Purpose!
9.If Aristotle's Kid Had an iPod: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Parents

10.Man to Man Dad to Dad: Catholic Faith and Fatherhood                                        

Video of My March 2015 Cursillo Witness Talk: How God Turned 3 of My Nevers in to Much Betters

The Blind Leading the Blind

The first person I saw for spiritual direction in Richmond was (and still is) legally blind.  I met her when I made my Cursillo weekend back in June 2006 at Mary Mother of the Church Abbey.  She was on the spiritual direction team.  Her faith and her terrific sense of humor inspired me.  Hearing the story about her giving her grandsons a lesson in charity was the clincher we have kindred spirits.  She, too, recognizes what great spiritual directors kids can be and is willing to learn from and be challenged by them.  

“If you have two of something, you should give one to the person who doesn’t have any,” she told her grandsons.   

“How many pairs of sunglasses do you have, Grandma?” one of the young boys asked her.

Since she was and still is a fashionista, she had several pairs.  That’s when she realized it would be wise to take the Spiritual Direction Institute (SDI) course developed and offered by Monsignor Chester Michael.  If you’re going to talk the talk, then you best walk the walk. 

Something that still cracks me up about my friend is that she always looks cute and is very much into fashion.  I’m pseudo-blind without my contacts in or glasses on, but most of the time I still choose comfort over cuteness when it comes to fashion.  Not this lady.  She watches shows like What Not to Wear, and she knows which of her friends to go shopping with or ask for suggestions of what to pair together in her closet.

She’s well-read, well-spoken, loves learning, laughing, and spending time with family and friends.  Without ever looking at me, she could really see me.  In one of her talks that weekend, she shared a story about knowing you’re loved and cared for even in the dark. 

When their firstborn was a baby, her husband went to work when it was light outside.  When he returned home in the evening, not a single light was on in the entire house.  He was worried something was wrong. 

It hadn’t occurred to my friend to turn any lights on.  Even though in the dark, their daughter knew she was loved and would be taken care of.  After that, my friend got in the habit of turning lights on for her daughter’s benefit.  That story and this woman really impressed me. 

During dark periods in our lives, we can become almost paralyzed by fear and worry.  We’re not sure which way to go.  We have no idea who or what is in the room.  It’s unsettling to say the very least.  Since we are God’s children, we don’t need to be afraid.  Even when it seems as though all of the lights are out and only darkness prevails, He is there with us.  Just like the Bible says: “In Him there is no darkness at all.  The day and the night are both alike.”

In the same way that my friend’s daughter rested in her mother’s arms and knew she was loved and would have her needs met even in the dark, we are invited to trust that God will lead us through difficult circumstances and periods in our lives. 

Do you trust your guide?

I remember playing the game with a partner where you each take turns being blindfolded.  The person leading had to talk the blindfolded friend through a walk outside, letting them know when to step up or down, move to the right or left, etc.  I worried I would get paired up with a jokester who would lead me into a patch of poison ivy or laugh hysterically as I fell down a set of stairs.  Fortunately, neither of those things ever happened (while I was blindfolded, anyway). 

We need to pick the people we follow and spend time with very carefully.  I felt comfortable trusting my friend as a spiritual companion, because she is a life-long learner, humble enough to know she doesn’t know everything and is still growing in the faith herself.  Her active prayer life, dedication to family and friends, and love of books made me feel that I could trust her. 

During my time meeting with her, she recommended a number of fabulous books for me to read that enhanced my spiritual journey and faith walk.  One she hesitated to recommend to me because she is friends with the author.  She feared I might suspect she was more interested in plugging her friend’s book than suggesting I read something that would really speak to where I was at that time.  She was wrong.  I knew I could trust her book recommendations would be authentic and honest.

Sabbath Presence is a beautifully written book based on the theme that was chosen for my Cursillo weekend “Be Still and Know.”  I am someone who always feels like I should be doing something.  I have often had to fight against the notion that my worth comes from what I have done or am doing rather than from God, who created me (and each one of us) in His image of love. 

This book changed my life.  It’s one of the very few books I read twice in a row, soaking up the wisdom and allowing it to sink in.  My first time through, I skimmed over the reflection questions, but I didn’t spend a lot of time with them.  My second time through, I took quiet time to journal and really meditate on each of the questions. 

I can’t think of a more perfect book for me to have read at that time. It’s very unlikely I would have come across it if not for a blind woman I saw for spiritual direction.  True sight into the soul is in the heart of those open to the Holy Spirit.  

Click here to read my book review of Sabbath Presence.  

Click here to read an interview with the author of the book.

Prayer: Lord, please help us become more open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit moving in and through us.  Guide us to a deeper awareness of and appreciation for Your Presence in others as well as ourselves.  Show us how to see beyond appearances to what truly matters and is of eternal value.  Give us the courage to face our own blind spots, accept Your forgiveness, and mercy.  Amen.

Questions for Reflection, Discussion, or Journaling: What do we block out or miss when we get caught up in appearances?  Have we ever judged incorrectly because we have made assumptions based on the way a person or situation looks?  How likely are we to ask questions and really listen to: a friend, a spouse, a child, a co-worker, God, or even our own inner voice of wisdom?  What can we do to become better listeners? 

The Sacrament of the Present Moment by Jean-Pierre de Caussade

I was excited to discover this book in the Spiritual Direction Institute (SDI) library since I read the full-length translation of Self-Abandonment to Divine Providence in college and absolutely loved it!  This quote from the text beautifully sums up the richness contained in this book: “How I long to be the missionary of your divine will, O God, to teach the world that there is nothing easier, more ordinary, more available to all than saintliness.”   

I found The Sacrament of the Present Moment very encouraging.  So often I have felt that I should conform to certain standards, methods of prayer, types of study and action, but Caussade describes how God’s grace and the inspiration which comes from the Holy Spirit don't look the same for every person.  It is important that we listen to and discern what God is calling us to each moment—a desire to do His will above all else and an openness and submission to His plan for our lives.  

I’m reminded of the song by Danielle Rose called “The Saint that Is Just Me.”  There have been many times in my life when I have seen how someone else is living and figure their path to holiness is one that I should follow or emulate, that their trials, tribulations, joys, and sorrows should also be mine.  I’ve been often reminded that isn’t true.  

God has a unique call in my life that is meant to be lived out in a way that is different from other people’s.  The beauty of it is that we are each called to grow closer to the Lord, develop faith, trust, and love on deeper levels as His grace, mercy, and providence permit.

Being resigned to the will of God is what souls tuned-in to the Holy Spirit share.  Their calls and even the specific ways they live out similar calls, ministries, and/or vocations bring to light the vastness of God love, blessings, inspiration, and nurturing for each one of us on the path to saintliness and eternal life.  Teresa of Avila's poem "Into the Hands of God" is a beautiful prayer for discernment.

What deeper layers and richness would I glean from reading Self-Abandonment to Divine Providence in its original French?  What do people think of me who know the many spiritual books I’ve read?  Do they wonder why the heck I don’t have a more disciplined prayer life and a better grasp of even some of the topics I've studied so fervently?  Does it matter what they think?  No, it matters how God sees me, though I can’t honestly say that I’m not affected or wonder about the opinions of others.

This is a prayer I wrote in one of my many prayer journals in March 2008:

     “Lord, so often we seek the approval of our family, our friends, our colleagues, and society and are easily swayed by their opinions.  Please help us have courage enough to turn to You when we need guidance, and put Your view of us, Your wishes for our future, and Your thoughts about our words and actions, above those of other people around us.

     You alone know our hearts completely.  You alone know what is ultimately best for us.  Inspire us to spend more time listening to You so it is easier for us to separate Your will from our own and those of the people closest to us.  Protect us from despair and disillusionment by arming us with the truth, the strength to do Your will, and the wisdom to submit everything we are and have to You.  Amen.”                   

Sifting, Sorting, Scrounging, Saving, and Searching

This is the desk where I tend to put things
I'm organizing.  It's rarely the spot where I sit
and accomplish things.

As I'm sifting, sorting through, and searching for things to keep, give away, recycle, repurpose, or throw out, I came across one of many single subject spiral notebooks I've written in.  I read what I wrote last summer, and many of the questions, nudges, and fears are still the same.  I think I am making progress while continuing to reflect on challenges that seem to stay with me even when I do grow at least a little.  

Here's an excerpt from a journal entry I jotted down in July 2014:

In what ways is God inviting me to live a little more courageously in order to spread the Good News?  Be better about dedicated time for prayer and study.  Share more openly, when led to do so, through notes, letters, blog posts, and journal entries about what I’m learning, thinking, feeling, experiencing, and perceiving is going on in and around me. 

Lord, I am still struggling to have a proper, healthy and appropriate love of myself.  I think of the young boy at Mass at the Pastoral Center yesterday playing innocently, seizing the moment to remove his shoes, smile at others, hang on his mom, and reach out his hand to the woman sitting on the other side of him. 

I didn’t doubt then or now the Lord’s love for that young boy.  Maybe he wasn’t focused on the Readings or even facing the right way for the Eucharistic prayers, but he was present and truly alive, which is often more than can be said for most of us. 

Lord, I don’t understand how You can possibly love me completely and unconditionally, especially when I don’t merit it and definitely can’t earn it, but help me to accept Your love and mercy even though I don’t understand it, for that is the only way I will be a good  vessel for You and to others. 

Looking back and being honest now, I'm still working on all of these things.  I'm also still able to appreciate what great spiritual directors children can be.  They are often much better at living in the present moment than I am on my own.  

The Journal My Grandma Gave Me

Grandma gave me this journal years ago.  When I saw it on the bookshelf in the office around the beginning of this May, I checked to see if I had already filled it.  Most of the notebooks in our place and journals (those brand new as well as those initially used for other things), I have filled with journal entries, poems, letters, stories, and reflections over the years.)  I was happy to find something she’d gifted to me so long ago could be of use to me now. 

My maternal grandmother was very good at reusing, recycling, and repurposing things.  Her tendency to hold on to items and not waste food likely became ingrained when she was growing up during The Great Depression.

I’ve tried to make the best of what others have discarded, cast aside, or thrown away.  In that way, I’m like my grandma—not wanting to waste things that can be recycled or repurposed. 

I guess I have long been inspired to create things that are useful, beautiful, and/or innovative (at least to me) using what others saw as worthless, useless, or pointless.  Maybe that’s one of my redeeming qualities.  Perhaps my words or my art will inspire others to see the value in people and love in this life.  

I have been drawing, cutting, pasting, cropping, coloring, and enjoying doing lots of different art projects over the past couple of years.  I may begin sharing some of them online.  Writing is definitely one of my creative outlets, but creating things with paper and other art supplies are also ways I like to express myself. 

“Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true.  With thanksgiving, I’ll be a living sanctuary for You.”