Bring Your Brokenness And I'll Bring Mine: A Reflection on Mercy, Reconciling with My Father, and If We're Honest by Francesca Battistelli

There are so many reasons why this song's lyrics speak to where I am right now.  Acknowledging that we are all broken, in need of God's healing love, and want people with whom we can be really transparent says so much.  Oftentimes, we are hurt by others, and we let that hurt get in the way of letting others love us, or at least I do.

I encourage you to listen to the beautiful song by Francesca Battistelli that inspired this blog post:

Around Father's Day, I tend to think about how important honesty is and how love really can heal the pain that causes separation.  The greatest example of mercy I've ever experienced within the context of a human relationship was reconciling with my father.  He gave me some of the deepest scars I have, and for years I was dead-set against letting him back into my heart.  I did pretty much everything I could to keep him out of my life.  My mom and sisters still had contact with him, and we were all together on holidays, but I refused to forgive and forget all the hurtful things he had said and done.  I'd already internalized the harsh inner critic and negative self-image.

I learned at a very young age that no matter what I did, it would never be enough.  It’s only been as an adult that I’ve come to realize that my father’s own feelings of inadequacy, his alcoholic and workaholic tendencies, and undiagnosed/untreated depression were the primary sources of the disapproval that he expressed.  When I was young, I just accepted it when he told me I was worthless or not measuring up.  I spent years convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was a bad person who would never be enough in his eyes or anyone else’s.   

For all of those reasons and then some, I couldn't ever see having any sort of real relationship with my father.  I hardened my heart and my mind against my dad in order to make it through some very difficult times in our family.  I had the heavy burden of seeing some serious red flags before others were ready or willing to see them.  I tried to say something about Dad's excessive drinking (later confirmed to be alcoholism), unpredictable behavior, and anger, but no one would listen at first.  My method of self-preservation was to distance myself from him emotionally and, whenever I could manage it, physically as well.  

In 2006, a true miracle occurred.  After many years of pushing my dad out of my life and at some points wanting absolutely nothing to do with him, I had a true reconciliation with the man who gave me the deepest scars I have.  

There’s no explanation other than God’s grace that led me to reach out to my dad and really let him into my life.  I could never have imagined the healing that would take place for both of us over such a short time.  I know I was given an amazing gift that God led me to reconnect with my father, really love him and let myself be loved by him during the last three years of his life. 

God took away the hardness in my heart so I could be there for and with my dad as the rare illness he had been diagnosed with stole his ability to work and volunteer, robbed him of his football player physique, and eventually led to him becoming very dependent on others.  I had the privilege of being one of the two people he relied on most when he struggled with excruciating physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.

My dad and I were able to share our brokenness and let love heal what hurt had divided.  Our interactions weren't perfect by any means, but we talked through things, spent quality time together, and managed to minister to each other in ways that helped us both heal from past wounds.  I knew a profound transformation had occurred the day I consoled my dad when he realized he hadn't been there for our family during some really challenging times when we needed and wanted him to be present.  

Having a significant amount of forgiveness and compassion towards someone responsible for incidents and circumstances that were really traumatizing is not something I could have brought about on my own, not even decades later.  My defense mechanisms are often distance and detachment. Only the Holy Spirit could have softened my heart enough for me to let my defenses down and be vulnerable with my father. 

This is only one of many things I NEVER thought would happen that God turned into something infinitely better than I could ever have imagined or thought to pray for.  Click here to watch a brief video on how God changed three of my NEVERS into BETTERS.       

Questions for meditation, journaling, or small group discussion:

Do you have any NEVERS in your own life that God turned into BETTERS?  If so, describe them.

Have any of these experiences changed your mind or heart towards someone and led to reconciliation?  Did that change your perception and acceptance of God's mercy or forgiveness?  If so, how? 

It can be far too easy for me to overlook, minimize, or fail to think of major transformations I thought would never happen that God has brought about in my own life.  I have a strong tendency to do this when I'm currently praying for about a specific issue, for a certain person, situation, or concern.  I'm not sure what would happen if I approached more of my current NEVERS as potential BETTERS God could bring about in the future, but I'd like to find out.  

The Outsiders: On the Fringes of Family, Friends, and Faith Community

These are the tulips I was given to bring home
during teacher appreciation week at RMS.
(Of course, I couldn't resist taking photos.)

It’s actually been nice to hear that we’ve been missed.  Kevin and I were more isolated than usual beginning last September for a variety of reasons expanded upon below.  However, in recent weeks, we’ve reconnected with some family members and friends we hadn’t seen in months.  I must say, it’s refreshing to know people haven’t forgotten about or stopped inviting us to get together even when we were too tired and rundown to accept many offers for fellowship, food, or fun.  I don’t know why, but Kevin and I are both  pleasantly surprised when others remember us fondly and express an interest in spending quality time, one of my primary love languages.  In the past couple months, we’ve broken out of our survival mode. 

Here are some of the signs we have started to return to civilization:       

We’ve met two different couples who are close friends of ours out for dinner.  I’ve seen all of my family members who live in town more than once in the same 30-day period. I went with my sister and nephew to a park I'd never been to before.  I met a friend from our spiritual direction institute class for a picnic and long walk in a beautiful park.  Kevin and I went to a movie theater to watch a popular film (Captain America Civil War).  I went to the oldest of the three silly sisters’ Kindergarten end-of-the-year concert performance and classroom awards.  Last weekend, I had a mini 10-year since I made my Cursillo reunion luncheon with our rectora and a handful of babe chicks from my weekend.  This evening we enjoyed a spur-of-the-moment birthday party for our friend Jeff at Red Robin.  Though Kevin's still working full-time and has classes three nights a week, and my schedule for summer camps at school is quite varied, there's hope on the horizon that we will continue to reach out, reconnect, and resume some more social activities.   

These Are the Main Reasons Why Kevin and I Were so Disconnected from:

Each Other

Kevin and I have been disconnected from pretty much everyone, often including each other, over the past several months.  During one sixth-month period, we were both working full-time on opposite sides of town, and he had classes three nights a week.  Some days we rarely saw each other because our schedules were so different, and many weeks we never had a day off together.  I worked Monday through Friday; he worked all through the weekend and typically had his day or two off during the week. 

Cursillo Community

Usually, Cursillo gatherings called Ultreyas are held two Friday evenings a month.  In years past, they’ve been a good way for Kevin and me to stay connected to that community. Unfortunately, we haven’t been up to going in a while.  By the time Friday rolls around, we are usually both thoroughly exhausted and just wanted to rest.  This past January, I stepped down from my position as the Newsletter Editor I’d held for many years when two very capable individuals proved ready and eager to revamp and run with it.    

Spiritual Direction

There were several months when we didn’t manage to get together with the couple who are dear friends and spiritual companions for Kevin and me.  The monthly classes we had for our Spiritual Direction Institute course were one staple that kept us both connected to a community of believers with whom we could pray, talk about our faith, and share our lives.  However, May was our last retreat and the completion of that two-year program.

Our Peeps at the Parish

Because Kevin often has to work Saturday and Sunday, he is typically tired by Sunday afternoon, so we haven’t been going to our usual parish for Mass.  Even when we were stretched too thin to commit to any ministries at St. Michael, it was nice to see so many familiar faces.  Lately, we’ve been going to 5pm Mass at St. Bridget’s.  It’s closer to where we live and allows Kevin to avoid yet another trip out to the West End, but we don’t know very many people and still feel like visitors there because we are.  

Not the Nanny and a Six-Month Stint Somewhere Over the Rainbow

When I’m nannying for a family, I have often felt like I am part of it.  Much of the time, I’ve been included in events like Christenings, Baptisms, and some other gatherings of family and friends.  There’s a level of intimacy and familiarity when you’re helping to take care of someone’s children in their home.  It’s been a couple years since I’ve nannied now. 

Since I was gone from the school where I’ve worked part-time over the past eight years (for a grueling six-month stint at a place I would not recommend for children of any age), I’m not really as close to any of the kids, their families, or the co-workers I’m friends with as I would have been if there for the entire 2015-16 school year.  (The reasons I worked elsewhere for six months will have to be in another blog post.) 

My In Town Family

I’m not as close with my mom or my sisters as I used to be.  Frequently, my sisters and I go for days or even weeks without talking, texting, e-mailing, or seeing each other.  Our three-year-old nephew asked my sister if Kevin and I were on a trip or something it had been so long since he’d last seen us.  All of us keep in touch with my mom regularly, and my other sisters see her usually at least a few times a week.   

My sisters and I have been around my mom’s place a bit more often lately since my mom became a foster parent.  Our new youngest sister Jeneba has brought us together.  Well, most of us.  Kevin doesn’t always come with me for family dinners, holidays, and such.  When beat up physically and exhausted, he has often elected to stay at home.  I know all-too-well what it feels like to be ready to collapse, so I rarely push him into joining us when he isn’t up to it. 

The Rochester Relatives

Most of Kevin’s family lives up in Rochester, New York, and they rarely travel to or through Virginia.  This has meant that we only get to see them maybe once a year if and when we are able to go up there in the summer.  With such a great geographical distance from Kevin’s sisters and their families, we don’t have a whole lot of contact with them.  We catch up every couple months over the phone and see what a few of the Facebook-savvy members are up to, but that’s about it.  When we’re up there, they are excited to spend time with us, and we enjoy the gatherings that always seem to include food, laughter, and some great stories.  Last summer, we couldn’t afford to go up there, and we aren’t sure we’ll get to go this year, either.    

There’s No Place Like Home

Kevin and I have lived in the same two-bedroom apartment for the past eleven and a half years we’ve been married.  Almost all of our furniture is second-hand.  Our place isn’t super-neat or nicely decorated.  Generally, we’ve only had one or two people over at a time, and those have been family members or our closest friends.  We don’t have a nice balcony, deck, a big dining room, or large seating area where we could entertain people.  Though we’re perfectly content gathering with friends in a limited amount of space that isn’t extremely organized or you-could-eat-off-the-floor clean, our place is rarely straightened up enough that Kevin is comfortable having people over.  We’ve never hosted our family for a holiday or even had everyone over for a meal at our place.

          

So there you have some semblance of an explanation as to why we were absent from most gatherings of family, friends, ministry, etc. for months.  The good news is we're coming around. There are some additional things in the works that could prove very beneficial for continuing increased levels of connectivity.  More details will be forthcoming when we have them.    

Do You Know How Much I Love You? (My Nanny Diary)

I have often thought this question and sometimes even had the courage to ask it aloud.  For a number of reasons, I often feel that I’m not as good at expressing the depth and width of my love as I'd like to be to family, friends, and the children in my care, especially those for whom I have nannied. 

“Do you know how much I love you?” comes to mind as I reflect on the ten-year anniversary of when I made my Cursillo weekend.  Back in that June 2006, I had recently found out that I would only be nannying for “my two little guys” for another couple months.  I worried about my own separation anxiety, how much I would miss the boys, and how hard it would be to say goodbye to what I considered our “daytime family.” I also had to figure out what I would do next in terms of work.  I felt very unsettled about this major life transition.

I had no clue how the end of my time nannying for the boys would lead to the beginning of the most profound example of forgiveness and mercy I have experienced within the context of a human relationship. 

Reconciling with my father was a truly miraculous occurrence.  In the last three years of his life, there was more transformation for both of us than I ever thought possible.      

Do my two little guys and the three silly sisters know how much I love them?  Do their parents?  I honestly don’t know, but I have every intention of continuing to express my love for them. 

When pondering this question, I often think back to one particular Sunday evening at Mass a couple years ago.  One of the first two Scripture readings talked how we should trust in God. Immediately following the conclusion of the reading, I was asked a direct question.   

“Why should we trust in God?” the four-year-old sitting on my lap asked me. 

“Because He loves us more than anyone else,” I whispered.

“Like you?” she asked, looking up at me.    

I was speechless, but my thoughts were racing: What?! Does she actually know how much I love her?  Wait. What does she mean by that? Oh, she’s got to know that God’s love is much greater than mine can ever be.  I can’t explain that in the middle of Mass. 

Because I'm Not the Mama

The difficult part about profoundly loving children who aren’t your own is that there comes a time when you don’t see them as often.  Of course, this happens to most parents eventually when kids move out and move on with their lives.  It happens sooner for some of us, though, and requires a time of transition which has often proved difficult for me. 

Suddenly, you aren’t there to watch them grow and witness a number of their firsts.  After rarely going 72 hours without spending significant chunks of quality time with them, days, months, years go by, and Christmas cards in the mail become your only physical link to the children you gave your all to for a time. 

When people have asked me why I have spent most of my life taking care of and working with children, I think of the little ones I’ve had the blessing of helping to love, nurture, and raise during their early years, and I sincerely hope that they knew then how much I loved them.  That is one of the questions I’ve been most afraid and most interested to know the answer to. Do you know how much I love you?  

A Note from Your Nanny to "My Cuties Young and Older:" I couldn’t help but fall head over heels in love with you.  I treasured our time together.  You still have a very dear place in my heart.  So many of my experiences taking care of children make me think of you.  Not a week goes by that you don’t come to my mind and bring a smile to my face. 

Even the seemingly mundane and to others insignificant aspects of the day bring you to my mind.  Reading a treasured storybook or singing a favorite song, a garbage truck going down the street, children devouring Cheerios, a sense of wonder and fascination with insects and other aspects of nature, an enthusiastic love of music and dancing, running hugs, unsolicited kisses, and certain silly faces and expressions remind me of you.  My hope is that I was and am part of the village reminding you that you were, are, and always have been loved.           

Learning to Love with the Saints: A Spiritual Memoir by Jean M. Heimann

Learning to Love with the Saints: A Spiritual Memoir appealed to me on many levels.  I first learned of Jean M. Heimann through reading her award-winning blog Catholic Fire.  I know her site as a great place to go for information about the saints.  Her spiritual memoir is an intimate look at her life and the saints who taught her how to love and be loved by God and others. 

I was intrigued to read about the woman behind the blog.  Like so many, she has been inspired by St. Thérèse of Lisieux as well as St. Teresa of Avila to draw closer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary.  She has found hope along the way through some powerful prayers, a multitude of saints, as well as a few of the major influences that have impacted my own faith journey as well. 

Jean drifted from the Church for a time.  She was misinformed that because she’d had a divorce, she wasn’t able to practice her Catholic faith.  It wasn’t until later that she was told she could still participate in the Sacraments and be an active member of the church as long as she hadn’t remarried outside of the Church. 

Through the Cursillo Movement, a Charismatic Prayer Group, and doing St. Louis de Montfort’s Total Consecration, she grew closer to Christ and became more involved and engaged in her Catholic faith.  I can also highly recommend these three ways of growing closer to Christ and developing a deeper relationship with those in your community.   

I don’t think anyone would mistake Jean’s life for a fairytale.  She’s experienced a great deal of suffering: including physical and emotional abuse, losing loved ones to cancer, and has struggled with a number of illnesses that have given her ample opportunity for redemptive suffering.  She always offers her pain in union with Christ’s suffering on the Cross so it will have redemptive value for the salvation of souls in time and eternity. 

Tumultuous relationships made her hesitant to trust and let others in.  She was uplifted and hopeful by what she read about love and Matrimony in the series of lectures originally called Love and Responsibility that have since been published and become better-known and widely-studied under the title A Theology of the Body.  This amazing work by Pope John Paul II opened Jean’s heart to God’s love for us as it is expressed throughout the Bible. 

Reading Learning to Love with the Saints made me think of The Kiss of Jesus by Donna-Marie Cooper O’Boyle.  Both Donna-Marie and Jean faced a number of frightening challenges in their early romantic relationships, they have dealt with some very serious ongoing illnesses, yet they have remained hopeful and dedicated to glorifying the Lord through their lives.  Each of these women write for a number of Catholic publications, are sought-after speakers, and maintain popular blogs. 

I recommend reading this spiritual memoir.  Jean considers the saints as her trusted guides, the friends with her on the road to sanctification and salvation.  For more information about Learning to Love with the Saints: A Spiritual Memoir or to order your copy, click here.   

JEAN M. HEIMANN is a Catholic author and freelance writer with an M.A. in Theology, a parish minister and a diocesan speaker, a retired psychologist and educator, and an Oblate with the Community of St. John. In addition to her highly acclaimed first book, Seven Saints for Seven Virtues, Jean has had her work published in a variety of Catholic periodicals, some of which include: National Catholic Register, Catholic Exchange, Canticle Magazine, and St. Anthony Messenger/America.

Visit Jean at her award-winning blog, Catholic Fire http://catholicfire.blogspot.com/