Afterwards, I was telling her about a book I’d been looking for at the store called Surviving Depression: A Catholic Approach by Kathryn J. Hermes, ESP. They’d sold all of their copies. Mom said that she thought that was the book she’d gotten me to read a while back, and I’d told her it wasn’t the right time. Fortunately, she still had it in the trunk of her car. We had to laugh at the God incident.
I suppose it’s quite fitting that I spent time yesterday in prayer during which I had some ah-ha moments about forgiveness and later prayed and talked with a select group who know me very well and somehow love me anyway. Of course, God has known me the longest, forgiven me the most, and loved me the most. My mom comes second on that list. Kevin is a close third approaching second, if not already there. Basically he’s second in everything with the exception of the number of years he’s known me (which as of this summer will be fourteen years).
Those who know me well are very aware that I’m a recovering perfectionist/workaholic, who sometimes still regresses back into the thinking that I must say, do, and be perfect in order to be loved by God, others, and myself.
I recently apologized in an e-mail to someone (who knows Kevin and me very well) for not doing more to support this spring 40 Days for Life campaign. I literally laughed out loud (as did Kevin) at the unexpected response I received from him: “I don't have much time but I would just note that you did help with the dinner (trip to your mom's and bringing stuff there and planning meetings) and the 40 days for life table (giving me all the gear, dropping off statements of peace, making the poster (which I now have in my car)), not mentioning the times you've prayed for the campaign (countless) and the times you've been at the Vigil. If you're going to berate yourself, at least have the facts straight!”
The last comment, which is certainly in the same league of sarcasm Kevin and most often use, elicited from my dear husband, “He needs a hug and a high-five!”
God and those who love me have been able to forgive me; now it’s my turn. I feel God working on me and opening me up to forgive myself. I think feeling as if I shouldn’t, can’t, won’t be forgiven is one of the biggest lies I’ve believed from Satan, the father of lies. Ultimately I’ve always sought the Truth, even when I feared that the suffering to accept and live it out would test me quite a bit.
Lord, thank You for the people You have put in my life who have been vessels for Your love, forgiveness, mercy, and compassion. Please grant me the grace, humility, mercy, and trust to forgive myself for what I have done wrong, and move forward confident that Your grace, wisdom, and guidance are enough to prevent me from falling into the eternal pit of despair. Amen.
