Hard Habits to Break

I found this article “Breaking Bad Habits: Why It’s So Hard to Change” a while back, and it spoke to me.  I guess part of the reason is because I know I have unhealthy behaviors, and I’m often uncomfortably aware and, at times, even really bothered by other people’s practices, usually because they in some way mirror or bring to the surface weaknesses I have.  This article reminded me of what is helpful and productive in breaking bad habits and establishing good ones in their place.

     
A big part of my problem is that I tend to minimize the effects of what I do and how other people are inadvertently harmed in the process.  Comparing the severity or seriousness of something I could change with someone else’s addiction (whether clinically diagnosed as such or not) isn’t a good way to grow in holiness or compassion.

    
As we are reminded in the Gospel of Luke 18:9-14, when the Pharisee exalts himself before the Lord for his supposed righteousness and the tax collector stays in the back of the sanctuary begging God for forgiveness, acknowledging that he is a lowly sinner, desperately in need of God’s mercy, we see what’s in these men’s hearts.  The minute we take credit for any of the goodness in us instead of thanking God for it, we run into trouble, pride, and veer into self-righteousness. 

We think we are good because we keep the laws and do what we’re supposed to do, but if we are doing everything for show or the admiration, attention, or respect of others, God sees through that.  He knows what’s in our hearts, whether we care to acknowledge He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves or not.    

   
There have been way too many times in my life when I have judged others because of the decisions they make, though I’m often guilty of similar mistakes and sins.  My thoughts go generally something like this: Well, at least I’m not doing what so-and-so is doing.  What they are doing is sooooo much worse and more despicable, destructive, immoral, sinful, disgusting…  I would never stoop so low as that.  Wow!  I can’t believe they can’t see what a mess they’re making of things.  I mean, really, someone should do an intervention or something.

    
Does that line of thinking sound familiar to you?  Over the years, I’ve learned that when I feel really upset by something someone is doing, it’s most often due to the fact that their behavior triggers an area of weakness in me.  In seeing someone else as different, less noble, less fragile… less anything, then we are refusing to look at what inside of us is lacking. 

    
It’s always easier to point fingers and criticize others than it is to take responsibility and ownership for the decisions we make and things we do that reflect that we are just as proud, arrogant, selfish, sinful, and disillusioned as they are.  (I covered this topic in a blog post titled What's the Best Reason I Know to Have a Personal Relationship with God? I Am!) 

    
Simone Weil stated that: “Every sin is an attempt to fly from emptiness.” This quote appears in the Magnificat magazine for Sunday, October 27, 2013, and seems to fit perfectly. We all go from temptation into sin for the same reason: to escape the pain of missing something that we want or need, to fill a void that is real or imagined. 

    
A destructive habit or behavior is always an attempt to make up for some aspect or way in which we feel we are lacking or at the very least to distract us temporarily from the discontent, inadequacy, or “emptiness” we are experiencing.

    
Only in acknowledging the places inside of us that are broken, empty, and in need of healing are we able to empathize and have compassion for others.  If we look down on and judge others who choose to do things to avoid their own emptiness which we find reprehensible, then we are often unaware of their level of pain and suffering, and/or we refuse to concede that it is in any way similar to our own. 

    
People deal with pain and suffering in different ways.  One person’s way of coping might not necessarily seem as detrimental as another person’s, but so many of the things we do to suppress our pain, distract ourselves from it, and/or merely survive through it are harmful to our souls, our relationship with God and others.

      
This reminds me of a very famous quote of Blessed Mother Teresa: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”  Rarely do we know the situation that someone else is in, the details of their lives, the source or depth of their hurt, and even when we do know a great deal, we don’t know everything.  If we set ourselves up as a judge of someone else, then we are, in essence, saying that we are superior to or somehow better than they are in some area.  Again, in distancing ourselves, we deny the ways that we are lacking, whether it be regarding knowledge of the situation or compassion for another’s weakness. 

    
There was an activity we did at a personal growth seminar many years ago that has stuck in my mind.  The speaker begins describing a situation and talks about what a person does, then participants are asked how they would respond to the individual in those circumstances using body language that ranges from hostile/disapproving to welcoming/friendly.  When told the first part of the scenario, most people indicate they would be upset and react negatively.  Then the speaker continues with a little more backstory, and the more people find out about what this person is going through, the more compassionate people become.  For example, the inattentive, seemingly rude salesclerk is seen through the eyes of compassion once we know that she’s a single mom undergoing chemotherapy but has to come into work though exhausted and feeling sick to put food on the table.

    
The next time we are tempted to judge someone, we could instead pray and ask God to show us what is lacking or feeling empty in us that makes us feel the need to criticize or put down someone else.  It’s a lot more uncomfortable to acknowledge that we’re triggered by other people’s behavior and blame them for what they’re doing than it is to take responsibility for our reaction to other people’s choices and the pain we experience to the Lord for healing.

    
Another solution that has worked many times in addition to prayer is to ask questions and really listen to what the person has to say.  So few people are good at actively listening, and even those who know how to do it don’t necessarily practice it all of the time. 

When all else fails, we can stop and pray what many have come to call "the Jesus prayer:" “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me a sinner.”               

When Temptation Loses Face

I couldn’t help but laugh when Carl arrived home after work and a Target run with the biggest chocolate bunny I have ever seen in real life.  I don’t think I realized before that there was such a huge bunny available. 

A number of thoughts came to my mind when this vastly discounted after Easter chocolate bunny in a box was carried through the door.  1.  Is that a real edible chocolate bunny the size of a toddler?  2. How much chocolate was used to make that? 3.  How many people will it take to polish it off? 4. How many days will they take to nibble away at it?

    
The next morning, the bunny was on the back of the living room couch in half of its plastic packaging, missing all of its face.  I have some modicum of willpower, but spending most of my day within a few feet of a large chocolate bunny and not eating any of it was more than I thought I could manage. 

Therefore, I found the other half of the packaging and moved the partially-eaten chocolate bunny into the kitchen where it was out of my sight.  Honestly, I don’t think Carl or Jess would have minded if I’d eaten some of the bunny, but it was a case of being worried that if I started eating a bit of it, I might not stop soon enough that I wouldn’t get a tummyache (refer to video clip below).

     

I don’t think I will ever see a chocolate bunny and not think of the hilarious Veggie Tales song/video which I’m pretty sure originally appeared in their adaptation of a certain Bible story which illustrates the dangers of idol worship and blindly following the crowd.   Rack, Shack, and Benny: A Lesson in Handling Peer Pressure is something you will definitely want to see in its entirety, but here’s a little taste, the video of “The New and Improved Bunny Song” which I also find highly addictive: 

Catholic, Reluctantly: John Paul 2 High Book 1

I enjoyed this Young Adult (YA) novel for a number of reasons, not the least of which it inspires me with excellent examples and encouragement to continue working on my own manuscript of one.  The characters in Catholic, Reluctantly: John Paul 2 High Book 1 are interesting and complex.  The high school drama, personality clashes, conflicts, cruelty, and questions are appropriate for the age/grade levels discussed, the circumstances described, and what’s at stake.   There’s a sufficient amount of suspense and surprise to keep the reader intrigued throughout. 

   
Of the John Paul 2 High characters, some actually try to live out their Catholic faith while others are Catholic in name only.  The different personalities and varying levels of understanding the Catholic faith intellectually and spiritually create a considerable amount of tension and challenge those involved to figure out where they stand and why.  The highly controversial struggle over whether it’s most important to keep the letter of the law and/or to live by the spirit of the law comes out in a slew of tricky circumstances.         

   
Many of the facts and stereotypes about the Catholic faith, its followers, Catholic schools and other institutions, traditional practices, and prayers are covered in thought-provoking ways.  The subject of seeking Truth in all circumstances and letting it be the guide is one that’s explored in-depth. 

    
Some of the situations are quite hilarious and others very ominous and foreboding, giving the novel a good blend of the humorous and harrowing.  There are many big questions left unanswered by the end of the first book, definitely leaving room for more to come.  I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the series.  For more information on the author and other books in the series and other interesting extras, check out this website for the John Paul 2 High series.

     
This review was written as part of the Catholic book reviewer program from The Catholic Company. Visit The Catholic Company to find more information on Catholic,Reluctantly: John Paul 2 High Book 1. The Catholic Company is the best resource for all your family Advent activities and supplies this year, such as Advent wreaths and calendars for kids, as well as Christmas decorations such as nativity scene sets and religious Christmas gifts for the whole family.
   
This post is linked to the Catholic Bloggers Monthly Round-up.

Not Practically Perfect in Any Way

As with any vocation: the single life, marriage, religious life, diaconate, priesthood, parenting, taking care of children, the sick, the elderly, the poor…it can seem monumental when we grasp even part of the responsibility and accountability attached. 

     
When most aware of my sinfulness, many faults and flaws, and the mistakes I’ve made (and often continue to make), I shudder to think that others are looking to me and learning from what I do and say.  

Children are little sponges, soaking up all the words, actions, gestures, and feelings around them.  It’s a huge responsibility to take care of them and really nurture them. 
     
It’s also a monumental task to guide others in the faith, or more accurately, to walk with them on the journey, take care of them, and really nurture them.  It can be a daunting undertaking knowing all along that we have much to learn from them, perhaps more than they’ll learn from us. 
     
I’ve gotten into the most trouble when I have distanced myself from others, feeling like my experiences, outlook on life, or the fact that I haven’t succumbed to some of the temptations that they’ve submitted to makes me somehow more advanced spiritually, closer to God, and/or in a better place to judge or admonish others. 
     
It’s far too easy to write others off as not as advanced or experienced in this or that.  What’s much more challenging (and more Christian) is to discover their strengths and learn from them.  Encouraging them to grow in areas of weakness can often be done best by sharing our own pitfalls and failings as proof that we’re all works-in-progress. 
    
Just like couples aren’t going to have all of their issues worked out before they get married, and parents aren’t going to be perfect role models when their kids are born, there are many things we’re called to do that God prepares us for ahead of time and then gives us the grace to accept the on-the-job training necessary to live out the vocations to which He’s called us. 
     
Sometimes, we have to look back at where we were in order to appreciate more fully where we are now.  In many circumstances, it will be our previous experiences with sorrows, hurts, losses, and dissatisfaction that will allow us to be truly present and compassionate to others who are going through (or feeling) something similar. 
     
We will be the most effective if we move forward cognizant of our failures and weaknesses, especially when we see the inadequacies of others and are tempted to judge them or look down on them.  “There, but for the grace of God, go I” is a great quote to keep in mind.  We don’t know another person’s situation completely, and we don’t know what we would do if we were in his/her place. 
     
Each one of us is broken.  Every single person has things in his/her past that he/she isn’t proud of.  We all are weak, are tempted, sin, and are in need of forgiveness and the Lord’s mercy.  When we distance ourselves from others, then it’s much harder for us to feel their pain, so we aren’t as motivated to try to alleviate it. 
    
It can be quite risky to be open up and be honest with others that we’re not anywhere close to being like Mary Poppins: “practically perfect in every way.” Only by the grace of God and the salvation offered to us by Jesus Christ will we even have a chance at eternal life. 
     
Each and every one of us is called to be holy, to live by the Gospel, to love others in the sacrificial, self-giving, compassionate way that Christ does.  Throughout the Bible, we are shown how those who place their trust in the Lord instead of themselves and other men are the ones who God works through in the most amazing, miraculous ways. 
     
Some of the people in our lives could very well still have the mindset that heavy drinking, doing drugs, watching porn, shirking responsibility, neglecting prayer…isn’t going to hinder them from having a good, meaningful life which leads us to eternal life with God. 
     
It could be said that our ability to influence others is directly proportional to our humility, honesty, and vulnerability with others.  If people think we’re perfect and have even part of our life totally figured out and completely under control, then they’re much less like to discuss things with us than if they sometimes see us rundown, worn out, angry, sad, or disappointed.  Others want to be healed, and some can be by what we are able to offer them if we allow God to move freely in and through us. 
     
If ever we think that we’re the only one who has ever felt a certain way, then we’re wrong.  The more we let down our guard around others, especially with those whom God has shown us we can trust and open up with, the more likely we’ll be to see how similar our struggles really are even though the specific details and outside circumstances might be vastly different. 
     
We all are made to love and be loved.  We all long to be wanted, accepted, affirmed.  We want people who will really listen and be present with us.  We want to know that we’re not alone in what we’re thinking, feeling, struggling with, rejoicing over, questioning, discerning...  We want to make a difference in the world and make things better for others.  We need to feel that we’re part of something much bigger than ourselves and know that our existence has a much greater, longer-lasting, eternally significant purpose than we can see at present.    
     
I’ve often said that I’m too selfish and sinful to make marriage work.  It’s true; the only way I ever would have agreed to this vocation was knowing that’s what God was calling me to and had placed in my heart, so I could be sure that regardless of my insecurities and shortcomings, He would give us what we needed to make it work.  I know that only through the grace of God can I even attempt to share every aspect of my life with my husband and glorify Him through the gift, covenant, and sacrament of our marriage.  I’ll never be perfect in any way, but the closer I draw to God, the closer I will be to the Source of Love and to Kevin. 
     
Could it be said of us that on our own we are too self-centered and sinful to fill the role of being Christ to others?  Is there any one of us that needs Christ’s saving grace and limitless mercy any less than the next person? 
     
If I look at what’s happening around me and my inability to change, fix, or heal it, I get discouraged, frustrated, and angry.  If I look to the Lord, and rest in His ability to take care of everything, then I am inspired, loving, and peaceful. 
     
I realize that so often much of what I write are things I need to be reminded of, take to heart, and do a better job of living out.  We’re all in this together with God’s help.