Friday, October 25, 2013

Things Your Toddler Might Be Thinking (My Nanny Diary)

“You have fun putting those books back on the shelf, because it’s gonna take me a whole two seconds to dump them all back on the floor again...which is where I want them to stay anyway.”

“Oh, look a Cheerio!  Still mostly crunchy with only a little dirt on it. Scrumptious!”


“Go ahead.  Make my day!  Pull out those blocks again, and I’ll show you who’s boss.”
“Let me outta here or I’m going to scream, yell, kick, flail my arms, throw my head, arch my back, and basically whatever else I got to do to get your attention and your submission pronto.  Am I making myself crystal clear?”

“It’s peanut butter jelly time!”

“Take that!” the little one thinks after thrusting a book in your hand.  “Yeah, that’s the one I want to hear.  Yes, again!  Come on, it’s not that hard.  Mr. Brown can do it.  I’m sure you can manage, too.  Here let me help you: Moo, buzz, yada, yada, yada, knock, knock.”
“Miiiiiiiiiilk!  I’m so thirsty, I think I’ll drink a whole three sips before I pour as much of this out as I can before someone tries to stop me.

“If I shake this gate hard enough, it will swing open, and I will be able to wreak the havoc I have contemplated every single time I see that stupid contraption which mercilessly thwarts my efforts.”

“Run!  It’s a bear!”

"The itsy bitsy spider...if you're happy and you know it clap your hands."

Oh, how nice.  It’s a clean, dry diaper.  Time to take a big, stinky, messy dump!

Knock, knock, knock. Little pig, little pig, let me come in.  Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin (whatever that is).

Here we go again.  Looks like they put away all the books, blocks, and toys I put right where I wanted them.  Some people never learn.  I go to sleep and they put things in strange places and I can’t find anything at all.  I never get a rest.  They keep messing everything up when I’ve finally gotten it where I want it, and I have to start all over again. 

Row, row, row, row your boat gently down the scream. Maylee, maylee, maylee, maylee, life is buttercream.

I have just about had it!  I go to all of the trouble of sprinkling my cereal and snack foods on the floor, so I can eat them when I feel like it instead of when I’m strapped into a seat and given a big white surface that they won’t let me use the way I want to.  Maybe I don’t want my food on a plate, in a bowl, or on my spoon.  Did you ever consider that there’s a pattern here?  If you would just put my food on the floor and let me eat it when I feel like it, then we wouldn’t have to do this whole thing where you put things on my tray, I toss them off, you get cranky and put them back on or throw them out.  This is really rather ridiculous, but the show must go on.


Note to Reader: This list has been inspired by many years of taking care of young children.  Some of my guesses about what they're thinking have been confirmed when they start talking more and/or become even more proficient in baby sign language, so I know more of the time what's going on in their little heads. Others just seem likely to follow the actions observed by toddlers throughout the course of most given days.     
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