Depression Is a Taste of the Agony in the Garden

Depression is a taste of what Jesus experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane.  The profound sense of feeling worthless, useless, unlovable, unwanted, unneeded, rejected, abandoned, judged, condemned, on the verge of despair, lonely, in so much pain you just want your life to be over.  These emotions come together in a way that completely overwhelms the sufferer at times.

      
It’s the utter loneliness and desperation of feeling isolated, cast aside; that the people closest to you seem millions of miles away—far too distant to comfort you in your time of affliction no matter what they do or say. 

      
A painful ache and brokenness remain in the head and the heart that keep the person from thinking about forgiveness, mercy, or redemption.  All that’s present are the past mistakes, indiscretions, injuries inflicted on others or by others, as well as those which have been self-inflicted.  Thoughts and feelings swim around creating a vortex of negativity spinning out of control, becoming increasingly powerful as each sin, pain, hurt—emotional, physical, and/or spiritual is sucked into the abyss feeding the frenzy of fear and helplessness.

      
Time moves painfully slowly.  The seconds go by, but the clock’s ticking is the sound of a time bomb about to explode.  Neither friends nor family nearby can comprehend or alleviate the suffering.  Past sins and recent mistakes loom large and appear overwhelming, a heavy crushing weight bearing down. 

      
It is wanting desperately for the pain to cease while feeling stuck—that there’s nothing anyone could do or say to bring you around.  The only way beyond it is through it.  Any brief glimmer of hope, inclination to smile or laugh is sucked out of you, leaving no trace of mirth or even a clear memory of it.  Each moment is empty, devoid of pleasure, joy, or consolation. 

            
Dark shadows lurk in every corner and black clouds block the sun’s light and warmth.  Worry consumes until unfettered panic sets in.  The tiny, pitiful spirit within screams, but no sound comes forth.  The warmth of someone’s hand, the gentle tenderness of a kiss, soothing words mean nothing, can’t reach the ache deep inside.
     
I wrote this reflection on Holy Saturday of Holy Week, March 30, 2013.  I have suffered from bouts of depression ever since the age of 9 years old.  I know many people who are struggling or have struggled with some type of depression at some point in their lives.  Often people in the midst of it feel that they are isolated and alone, that their life is useless and worthless, but it's not.  If you're alive, then God can still work in and through you, whether you feel or think that's the case or not.  
     
Here are some of the books I have found to be most helpful and hopeful in dealing with depression and/or in being a loving presence to someone who is struggling with it:

Surviving Depression by Kathryn J. Hermes, FSP

Holding on to Hope by Kathryn J. Hermes, FSP

Healing Life's Hurts through Theophostic Prayer by Dr. Edward M. Smith

Never Give Up: My Life and God's Mercy by John Janaro

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

Home Tonight by Henri Nouwen

Fresh Bread and Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment by Joyce Rupp

Burst: A Story of God's Grace When Life Falls Apart by Kevin Wells

Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicic

Unstoppable by Nick Vujicic

My Personal Prayer for Depression Sufferers: Lord, draw close to Your heart all who have all but lost the will to live, who have lost hope, and/or who can see no reason for their lives, no greater purpose or significance.  Help them reach out in honesty and truth to those around them.  Give them the courage to voice their thoughts, feelings, fears, and hopes to someone they can trust.  Open the hearts and minds of those who are in a position to offer them help, hope, encouragement, support, and prayers.  

Times of Transition, Loneliness, Being Honest, Forging True Friendships

I originally wrote most of this in a letter to encourage and support a friend going through a major life transition, knowing that these are many of the lessons I’ve needed to be reminded of during each significant move or change in my own life.  

     
I know it’s hard to do, but when you’re missing aspects of the life you used to lead, it’s fine to tell someone back home that, however, it will help you get settled and can be a tremendous grace when you share what you’re thinking and feeling with someone who’s there with you.  Chances are many are feeling the same way or have other things they’re missing that they’d be more likely to share if they knew they weren’t the only ones getting used to things being so different there from what they’re used to. 
     
It’s always been hard for me to open up emotionally, but there have been people throughout my life the Lord has given me who I can be more myself with than I can with most people.  Obviously, my husband Kevin’s one of those people for me, but there have been a select group of others as well. 
     
Your getting settled and making new friends there will involve letting your guard down sometimes.  I’ve often found that if I’m willing to be honest and vulnerable that it makes others feel more comfortable doing the same.  You will need friends there you can really talk with.
      
Forging close friendships where you are will make the difference in you feeling settled and that will be an integral part of your growth and experience of God and the Body of Christ.
     
God loves you without “the mask” or suit of armor, and so do many other people. With that in mind, accept the gifts of courage and humility to be honest if someone who genuinely wants to know asks how you’re doing.  It’s okay to tell someone you trust and see yourself being friends with that you feel a bit overwhelmed, frustrated, lonely, miss your family…
     
Yet again, I know all of this is easier said than done.  Often, I still have to force myself to let people closest to me know what I’m thinking and feeling for fear that I’ll be judged, rejected, criticized or even abandoned.  It’s often a struggle in new situations, but it’s worth the effort.  We need people around us who know us well and love us anyway.  It’s a gift to be able to form relationships with others around our likes and dislikes, our strengths and weaknesses, but it’s most rewarding when we can be our true selves and let others be their true selves, especially when both people want God at the center of their lives.      
     
I know that others will come to love you dearly when they get to know who you are.  This is an important time to expand your lovelines family.  You’re not the only one missing home.  You’re not the only one who has felt they have to be “on” all the time. 
     
There are people who have come to love you so much because they know you so well.  Give others the chance to get to know you and make the effort to get to know some other people on a deeper level. 
     
Also remember that the first few weeks, even the first few months, you’re adjusting to a number of things, meeting lots of new people, and getting into a lifestyle and schedule that are vastly different from what you’re used to.  It’s normal to feel overwhelmed.  This is a huge transition.  Give yourself time to get adjusted, but in the meantime, be honest with yourself, God, and a few trusted friends when you’re not feeling comfortable or that you’ve gotten into your new groove yet. 
  
Lord, give us the courage to be vulnerable with others, especially when it will help us be better vessels of your love, compassion, comfort, encouragement, support, and peace.  Amen.

Here's a follow-up post to this one since it seemed to hit home with so many readers: Not Practically Perfect in Any Way.