Depression Is a Taste of the Agony in the Garden

Depression is a taste of what Jesus experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane.  The profound sense of feeling worthless, useless, unlovable, unwanted, unneeded, rejected, abandoned, judged, condemned, on the verge of despair, lonely, in so much pain you just want your life to be over.  These emotions come together in a way that completely overwhelms the sufferer at times.

      
It’s the utter loneliness and desperation of feeling isolated, cast aside; that the people closest to you seem millions of miles away—far too distant to comfort you in your time of affliction no matter what they do or say. 

      
A painful ache and brokenness remain in the head and the heart that keep the person from thinking about forgiveness, mercy, or redemption.  All that’s present are the past mistakes, indiscretions, injuries inflicted on others or by others, as well as those which have been self-inflicted.  Thoughts and feelings swim around creating a vortex of negativity spinning out of control, becoming increasingly powerful as each sin, pain, hurt—emotional, physical, and/or spiritual is sucked into the abyss feeding the frenzy of fear and helplessness.

      
Time moves painfully slowly.  The seconds go by, but the clock’s ticking is the sound of a time bomb about to explode.  Neither friends nor family nearby can comprehend or alleviate the suffering.  Past sins and recent mistakes loom large and appear overwhelming, a heavy crushing weight bearing down. 

      
It is wanting desperately for the pain to cease while feeling stuck—that there’s nothing anyone could do or say to bring you around.  The only way beyond it is through it.  Any brief glimmer of hope, inclination to smile or laugh is sucked out of you, leaving no trace of mirth or even a clear memory of it.  Each moment is empty, devoid of pleasure, joy, or consolation. 

            
Dark shadows lurk in every corner and black clouds block the sun’s light and warmth.  Worry consumes until unfettered panic sets in.  The tiny, pitiful spirit within screams, but no sound comes forth.  The warmth of someone’s hand, the gentle tenderness of a kiss, soothing words mean nothing, can’t reach the ache deep inside.
     
I wrote this reflection on Holy Saturday of Holy Week, March 30, 2013.  I have suffered from bouts of depression ever since the age of 9 years old.  I know many people who are struggling or have struggled with some type of depression at some point in their lives.  Often people in the midst of it feel that they are isolated and alone, that their life is useless and worthless, but it's not.  If you're alive, then God can still work in and through you, whether you feel or think that's the case or not.  
     
Here are some of the books I have found to be most helpful and hopeful in dealing with depression and/or in being a loving presence to someone who is struggling with it:

Surviving Depression by Kathryn J. Hermes, FSP

Holding on to Hope by Kathryn J. Hermes, FSP

Healing Life's Hurts through Theophostic Prayer by Dr. Edward M. Smith

Never Give Up: My Life and God's Mercy by John Janaro

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

Home Tonight by Henri Nouwen

Fresh Bread and Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment by Joyce Rupp

Burst: A Story of God's Grace When Life Falls Apart by Kevin Wells

Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicic

Unstoppable by Nick Vujicic

My Personal Prayer for Depression Sufferers: Lord, draw close to Your heart all who have all but lost the will to live, who have lost hope, and/or who can see no reason for their lives, no greater purpose or significance.  Help them reach out in honesty and truth to those around them.  Give them the courage to voice their thoughts, feelings, fears, and hopes to someone they can trust.  Open the hearts and minds of those who are in a position to offer them help, hope, encouragement, support, and prayers.  

Home Tonight: Further Reflections on the Parable of the Prodigal Son

I finished reading Home Tonight: Further Reflections on the Parable of the Prodigal Son by Henri J.M. Nouwen on Pentecost Sunday.  It gave me a great deal to think, pray, and write about as well as meditate on.  Truthfully, I read through it without stopping each and every time to do the journaling exercises, because I wanted to get the overall message of the book, as Nouwen has for many years, been one of my absolute favorite authors.  I plan to go back and do the journaling meditations over time.  Being a writer, they take me much longer than they might take other people because as long as the ideas keep coming, I keep the pen moving. 

   
As is often the case with Nouwen’s books, I am again very aware that I’m being challenged through these heartfelt personal reflections to accept the love, forgiveness, and mercy of the Lord on a deeper level than I ever have before.  This task is rather daunting because it’s really difficult for me to accept love, especially unconditional love and forgiveness when I know (to some extent) how little I deserve it.  There’s a lot in me that still believes certain lies: that my worth comes more from what I do for others, can offer them, and help them with more than it has to do with my innate value as a Beloved Daughter of God.  We are all God’s Beloved Children, and I know intellectually that favor cannot be earned and isn’t based on performance.  I really don’t understand that kind of love—especially when it comes to God and others loving me—but by golly, I’m sure going to keep trying if not to understand it, at least to absorb it.

   
Nouwen writes and reflects intimately on the love of God and the many roadblocks we put up that keep us from accepting it on the deepest level.  I highly recommend reading this book as well as one of my all-time favorites of his The Return of the Prodigal Son.

I received a free copy of Home Tonight from WaterbrookMultnomah in exchange for an honest review to share on their Blogging for Books site.  To purchase, Home Tonight, click here.  If you love free books, reading, and have a blog, you might be interested in signing up.  Check it out here.

Unstoppable: The Incredible Power of Faith in Action

I was fully expecting to like this book since Nick Vujicic’s first book Life Without Limits is so inspiring and his videos on Youtube are quite moving.  In some ways, Unstoppable threw me for a loop, brought painful subjects to the surface, and underlined the necessity of focusing on God above all-else.  Nick keeps it real, and that’s what I admire most about who he is and what he has to say. 

     
Some authors, preachers, motivational speakers, and Christians strike me as being rather fake.  I’m always suspect of people who project an image that says they’re above suffering, hardship, or pain in life.  I don’t buy the life is perfect, always happy, filled with wealth, health, and kindness for those who love God and spread the Gospel.  I appreciate and can identify much better with people who know they aren’t perfect now—nor have they ever been—than I can those individuals who claim to have unwavering faith and a life without strife. 

     
Nick Vujicic is most inspiring to me because he’s honest that he still has doubts and fears, periods when he’s unsure of himself and not as confident in God’s plan for him as he wants to be and has been at other times.  In Unstoppable, Nick talks about a difficult bout of depression he struggled with recently and how God brought him through it. 

     
This international best-selling author has hit another homerun with his second book (and that’s pretty impressive for a man born without arms or legs).  Unstoppable includes a number of true stories about ordinary people who put their lives in God’s hands and are thereby led to do extraordinary things which glorify Him.  All have faced tremendous challenges in mind, body, and/or spirit, but in each case the Lord’s love shines through. 

     
How can someone born without arms and legs who has experienced bullying, spoken with families whose child has committed suicide, visited the poorest slums in the world, shared his story with victims of the sex trade, and spent time among orphans living in some of the most horrible conditions possibly be a source of hope for others?  Only by centering on Jesus Christ.  Focusing on anyone or anything other than God Himself leads to despair, disillusionment, and deception. 

     
If we rely on ourselves, sooner or later, we’re going to fall flat on our faces whether we have arms and legs to help us get back up or not.  If we rely mostly on others, we will be disappointed and discouraged when they fall short of our expectations.

     
When we put our trust and hope in the Lord as Nick does, we will ultimately triumph over every adversity we face.  As Nick reiterates again and again, when we’re united with God, nothing is impossible.  No matter how far we’ve strayed or how broken we’ve become, Christ is waiting with open arms to welcome us back into the comfort of His love.
     
I received Unstoppable for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.  To purchase your own copy of Unstoppable, click here.  To learn about how you can receive free books from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, check out their Blogging for Books program here.

Sorting Things Out

    I had a weekend that I feel should have filled me with joy, as I got to spend time with a number of my favorite people who are both loving and uplifting, but instead I felt like crying through much of it. 
     On Friday, I went over to Mom’s and was sorting through things alone again.  I worked my butt off, got through a number of boxes from the attic, and recycled tons of old papers, set aside school supplies to give to a friend who knows a program that could really use them, and put some things in a pile that I want to bring home.  I know I may end up sorting through the things I’ve brought home again, but I’d rather have the chance to do that than have everything be thrown into huge black garbage bags and taken to the dump.  This has been a very painful, emotional process. 
     One thing that’s quite overwhelming about all of this is being reminded how many periods in my life when I’ve felt isolated, alone, and as if no one in my family could or even tried to listen to me, understand what I was feeling, or what I was going through.  I spent so very long covering up the darkness and depression that I lived in. 
     Only when I couldn’t take another thing going wrong would the stress come out.  After I’d spent half an hour talking about things that were really inconsequential, then crying for half an hour so hard I couldn’t speak, I’d finally be able to talk with my mom about what was really troubling me. 
     I keep reminding myself that all of this sorting, saying goodbye to the family home, etc. could be a whole lot worse.  I could be sorting through everything from my mom’s house to throw it away after it was ruined in a fire, flood, or some natural disaster.  (FYI, I’ve made a point of praying for all who have lost their homes to fire, flood, or a natural disaster knowing that would be much more devastating and overwhelming.)    
     The trouble is it doesn’t help me feel better to know that things could be even more depressing and seemingly insurmountable. There’s not much progress made when I get angry and frustrated with myself because I’m feeling sad, lonely, depressed, sorrowful…even when I am fully aware that others are suffering in really significant ways.   
     I have lots to be grateful for.  That’s not really the issue.  The problem is more that I have spent so much of my life trying to cover up my emotions that I need to be reminded that it’s okay to feel whatever I’m feeling without beating myself up about it.  I touched on this subject in a post I wrote a while back entitled Living the Lie that Everything’s Fine, but I’ve been thrust back into this place of tension lately whenever I feel down but think that I shouldn’t be.     
     We had a number of plans to spend time with people we care about this past weekend.  I felt that I should have been joy-filled and happy all weekend since this was the case.  I became frustrated with myself when I wasn’t Mary Poppins’ with a cheery disposition and practically perfect in all ways. 
     It’s no fun to feel sad, anxious, depressed, sorrowful, or disappointed, but I’ve learned it’s better just to let myself experience those emotions rather than berate myself for having them in the first place. 
     In accepting how I’m feeling (even if I don’t like it) then I’m being more open and honest.  When I stop trying to be (or wish that I were) a non-feeling, completely objective robot, then I’m more likely to discover what’s driving the negative feelings and come up with some possible solutions or practical actions I can take towards remedying those hurts.  I am more likely to be compassionate to those around me who are also carrying hurts or crosses of their own. 
     Lord, help me become a better vessel for your love, compassion, and understanding by accepting my emotions and those of others as opportunities to grow closer to You and others. 

Ever feel like giving up?

    I have.  Years ago, in the not-too-distant-past, and even today I’ve questioned God’s greater purpose for my life.  Here’s what I came across at precisely the right time this evening. 

    If you have ever felt lost, alone, lonely, or like giving up…

Then watch this video

 

Read the excerpt from this soon-to-be-released book (click on link below)

Unstoppable: The Incredible Power of Faith in Action

 

Then listen to this song (click on link below)

"Something More"

 

Now, if you can find it in your heart, thank the Lord for loving you right where you are and for having a purpose for your life even when the darkness of the valley and the stream of tears have led you dangerously close to despair.  Hold on!  God’s not finished with you yet.

 

Don’t Despair: God + you= Unstoppable!

Excellent Advent Advice Part III: Hold on to Hope

Last Friday, Kevin and I went to the Ultreya held at Sacred Heart Cathedral in Richmond to reconnect with our Cursillo family, support the person giving the witness talk, who was my awesome Team Member at Table (TMAT) when I made my weekend back in June 2006 at Mary Mother of the Church Abbey, and see one of the spiritual divas from my group reunion who was going to be helping with the music for the evening. 

     
Though I had gotten to know the witness to some extent in my years involved in the Cursillo movement, nothing could have prepared me for her witness talk.  This strong woman shared openly about a time in her life when the darkness had descended, depression had settled in, and living the lie that everything’s fine became the rule instead of the exception. 

     
I’m still utterly amazed that she made it through such a difficult period while hiding some very painful secrets by holding on to a pinpoint of light and hope.  Her story is further proof God never gives up on us or stops seeking to have a relationship with us that allows us to walk in the Truth.  Others who have known this person longer and gotten to know her better were also surprised at the depth of the trauma she and her family had suffered. 

The very powerful experience Friday evening definitely fit my description of Ultreya and what they’ve meant to Kevin and me over the years.   The term Ultreya comes from a Spanish word meaning onward and suggests the purpose of these gatherings, which is to help us persevere and get encouragement for our spiritual journey. 

To me, an Ultreya is a mini retreat and Cursillo family reunion all rolled into one.  It’s a time when your fellow Babe Chicks, your spouse, your sponsors, and the many people who made your weekend possible and prayer-filled gather with many other Cursillistas for Scripture reflection, prayer, spiritual growth, fun, fellowship, and food.

When I served on my first Cursillo team for the Women’s Weekend in October 2009 when our theme was “Harvesting God’s Abundance,” I gave the talk on the weekend about Ultreya, the Friday evening gatherings usually held the 1^st and 3^rd Fridays of the month at local parishes.  Already known in the community as a spiritual diva, I decided to end my talk with an Ultreya version of this popular TV show theme song.  I called it Cheers for Ultreya, and it fit perfectly.  Actually the witness and some other Cursillistas linked arms and sang it with me after the Ultreya held at Sacred Heart a few years ago. 

Have you had a dark time in your life when you could only see a pinpoint of light?  Do you know someone who is in a dark period right now?  What could you do to offer that person hope and share the light God has given you?