7 Quick Takes Friday (Vol. 98)

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Hope in the Lord! There are many times that I’m acutely aware that I'm not who anyone wants me to be, but I have a glimmer of hope because God loves me even when all those around me serve only to remind me of how much of a disappointment I am to them for a myriad of reasons. I do offer that pain up to the Lord on behalf of all who feel utterly rejected and do not know or believe in the love of God for every single one of His beloved children. 

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Beautiful in God’s Eyes Because I’m someone who tends to see myself in a very critical light, it can be really painful for me when others (especially those closest to me whose opinions’ I’m more likely to take to heart) convey a steady stream of reasons that I’m not who they want me to be, that what I say, do, how I

look, feel, my values…are wrong, ugly, stupid, delusional, quaint, ill-informed, ridiculous...  It’s not always easy for me to separate objectively what criticisms are just and accurate and which are more indicative of the insecurities or misconceptions of the other person rather than true assessments of who I am and what I’ve done, especially when judgments are being thrown at me fast and furious. 

     My tendency is to believe the bad since that’s what predominantly goes through my own thoughts about myself.  Fortunately, there is a source Truth that never lies.  So as scary as it seems when steeped in disparaging lies, I turn to God and ask how He sees me when I want the Truth.  Do you have the courage to ask: “God, how do You see me?” And, more importantly, are you willing to listen in silence and believe what He tells you?

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Spring Dance Festival I was often fondly reminded of my Hollins friends and dancers (from when I was in college way back when) during this past weekend while visiting my youngest sister at OSU. The dance Road Trip & Spring Dance Festival.

performances were great! I enjoyed getting to see my sister dance, meeting her apartment mates—all three of whom are gorgeous women and fun to spend time with like my sister is.  We ate at some of her fave restaurants and dessert places.  To read more about our visit, check out

     I got back from Ohio with Mom on Monday evening. It's been wonderful to spend time with Kevin, who knows me well and loves me lots. It's also nice to be home and be back together sleeping in our own bed.  To which Kevin says: “Yeah buddy!”

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Body Image Spending time around beautiful women who are in really great shape, always wearing fashionable clothes, make-up and jewelry can be intimidating and discouraging for me at times.  I’m no longer able to fit into the single digit sizes I wore in my twenties nor have I have really been in tip-top physical condition at any point.  (My approach to appearance most of the time these days is probably best summed up in my post Fashion Faux Pas.) Seeing and hearing other women criticizing their bodies is very difficult for me, though, because it is far easier for me to see the genuine beauty in other people than it is to see it in myself.  The grace and trouble about that is no matter what I say or think, it’s unlikely to affect on the deepest levels how someone else sees or feels about herself.  If you’re not quite ready or willing to ask how God sees you, at least watch this video clip to see how it is that women usually view themselves.     

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Undeniably Adorable! There are numerous times during the day when Vivi will say that she’s beautiful or that her lips or fingers…are beautiful.  I always confirm that fact and say to her: “You are beautiful!”  Silently, I pray that she will hold onto that truth for many years to come.  I hope that’s the statement she will always return to when she looks in the mirror and stares back at her reflection.  Who do you recognize in your own family as undeniably adorable, beautiful, gorgeous?  Have you told them recently?  How about ever?  How about now?   

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Best Books on True Beauty Here are some of the most amazing books (and their authors) I’ve read in recent years that deal with the topics of beauty, body image, seeing ourselves in God’s image.

Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II

Fierce Beauty by Kim Meeder

Weightless: Making Peace with Your Body by Kate Wicker

Wrapped Up: God’s Ten Gifts for Women by Teresa Tomeo and Cheryl Dickow

Extreme Makeover by Teresa Tomeo

Becoming the Woman God Made You to Be by Tammy Evevard

  
     

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Comfort for the Heartbroken This week I have been and will continue praying for all who are mourning the loss of loved ones, that they may feel the hope of the Lord, allow His love to wash over them, and move in and through them as they grieve and hang on while God, in His time and in His way, turns their tears into dancing, their profound sorrow into a lasting joy.

                  

Check out Jen Fulwiler’s tradition of 7 Quick Takes Friday at her tremendously popular blog Conversion Diary,  This week we’re meeting up over at Camp Patton since Jen and their newborn baby are just getting home and settled in.  

STOP: The Complaint Box is Full!

     Quite honestly, I can only take so many complaints and criticisms at a time, and, right now, my inbox is full to overflowing.  For one thing, I am my own harshest critic, so I have several slips of paper that are permanently stacked on the inside of the complaint box taking up a good quarter, maybe even a half, of the space that’s in there.  Chances are pretty good that many of the judgmental things you want to say to me are already in the box, so let’s not waste paper and be redundant restating things that have already been said.

     Okay, that’s not quite fair.  You don’t really know which complaints are already in there, so I’ll give you a smattering of some of the most popular ones and/or those most frequently repeated: “You’re not a good listener…You’re always so negative…You don’t take criticism well…You’re selfish…You need to slow down…You worry too much…You’re too serious…You’re too sensitive…You spend too much time reading…You spend too much time on the computer…You’re too critical…You need to remove all the “shoulds” from your vocabulary…You need to lighten up…You ought to relax…You need to stop being so hard on yourself!”
     That last one is one of my favorites, since it seems to be the most important to remember when others are so quick and thorough in reminding me of all the ways I’m a failure. 
     I’m not saying that I disagree with the criticisms above.  Many, if not all, of them are probably true, at least to some extent.  What I’m saying is that I get it.  I’m not who you want me to be.  Here’s a newsflash for you: I’m not who I want me to be either.  Actually, we agree on much of this, so there’s no need to stage a full-out attack.  We’re on the same side.  
     In the past couple weeks, I’ve been thinking, praying, and writing to process things.  This is some of what I have been considering: Is it enough that God loves me?  Yes, I believe that deep down that is enough.  When I’ve been stripped of anything and everything I once saw as strengths or admirable qualities, I’m left only with a certainty in His love for me, not because I feel loved or lovable, but because He’s blessed me with a knowing that I am even when everyone around me and the many lies inside of me seem to scream that’s not the case. 
     There are times when it feels like my life is useless, but when I ask God if that’s the case, the answer that comes to me is always: “No, not at all.”
     I know I am more to God than the sum of my useful abilities and actions.  Gifts given to me by God which I offer back to Him in service of others can be made useful, holy, and, through God’s grace, bring others closer to Him. 
     It shouldn’t matter to me what others think as long as I’m carrying out God’s will and using my abilities as He wants, for whom He wants, when and how He wants. 
     Lord, help me turn to You to get an accurate view of who I am.  I can be so easily confused, hurt, and discouraged by my own thoughts and feelings as well as those of people closest to me.  You alone know everything about me, yet you love me unconditionally.  Help me be better about accepting that love and mercy, correction and guidance, so that I am a better vessel of it for others.  Amen.

“What do You want of me?” Part III of IV

     It’s often much easier for me to believe and really trust that God is guiding and will show loved ones the way than it is for me to trust that He’ll let me know what I need to do or what’s next when the time’s right.  (For more on this, see “What do You want of me? Part I and Part II, Part IV.)  Kevin and I take great joy in seeing how God’s working in and through the lives of those around us.  Sometimes His provision and love for them is so lovingly lavish to the point it’s almost extravagant.  We marvel at how many struggles and problems He brings them through with solutions far better than anything they’d come up with on their own.  We see the incredible beauty and love God has placed in them, we smile hearing the miracles He’s doing in their lives, and we are certain the abundant blessings will continue. 

     I think that’s part of the reason why community is so important.  It can be far easier to see and believe that God is in and working through others in powerful, significant ways, than it is to trust He’s also working in and through us.  We need other people in our lives so we can see and affirm God working in and through them just as we need others who can see us more through God’s eyes than our own or those of the secular world. 
     I can’t count the number of times when my husband, a family member, or friend has been telling me about a situation, and I’ve been struck with what a kind, loving person they are.  I usually know this ahead of time about the individual, but when I hear another example of what the person believes is just a small, everyday occurrence, I’m able to see it as one of the “small things with great love” Blessed Mother Teresa talked about so often.   
     I’m always interested and find it kind of amusing when Kevin tells me that someone at work gave him a really nice compliment.  He’s always blown away by such things, and I have to explain to him that I’m not shocked like he is about such affirmations.  They don’t surprise me nearly as much because I already know he’s a hardworking, kind, compassionate coworker and friend.  I know he will bend over backwards to help a customer and probably make them laugh a little in the process.  These are more facts than news to me.  That’s not what they are for Kevin, though.  He genuinely doesn’t see himself in the same loving light as others do. 

     My special prayer for each of us: Dear Lord, please bless us on our spiritual journeys.  Help us open up our hearts so that the Holy Spirit is able to move freely in and through us to bring others closer to You.  Sanctify our minds, bodies, and spirits, so we are strong, holy vessels for Your word, love, and Truth.  Give us peace that passes all understanding, a sense of deep, unquenchable joy, and a profound trust in You.  Guide us to choose Your will in all areas of our lives.  Show us how precious we are to You, and grant us the ability to see ourselves and others through Your loving eyes.  Amen. 

     (Click here to read: "What do You want of me?" Part IV.)

Comparing Yourself to Others?

     God made you and loves you.  God didn’t make you and will love you if you would just…  He already loves you right now in all your messiness and brokenness.  He doesn’t wish you were more like someone else.  He wants more than anything for you to become all that He knows you can be, because He made you and loves you. 

     Do you compare yourself to other people?  I have to remind myself all the time not to do this, because it’s so easy to fall into thinking about my worth in terms of how I measure up to others.  That’s not what God does.  He doesn’t look at us and say: “I’d love her a lot more if she was more like Blessed Mother Teresa, Ghandi, (or insert another selfless champion of the poor or admired person here).”  No, He sees us through eyes of complete and total love.  In His gaze is all of the potential we could reach in time and eternity if we embrace who He’s made us to be and the grace that we have in abundance from Him.
     I hope at some point to reach (but haven’t yet gotten to) an extended period in my life when it’s really easy to see myself through God’s eyes.  Much more often I get a glimpse of the love and compassion God has for another person.
     There’s only one time when comparing myself to someone else has given me hope: when I see a bit of how God looks at someone and loves him/her and it leads me to believe it’s possible He can love me that much, overlooking my numerous faults and flaws, forgiving all of my sins, and truly wanting what’s best for me.      
     Matthew Kelly says it well when he states that God wants us to become the best version of ourselves.  That’s what will bring Him the most glory possible from our lives.  Imitating others or comparing myself to others can often just bring me down or get me frustrated.  I don’t fit into someone else’s mold for me.  I don’t even fill my own ideal, but thank goodness I am and continue becoming all God knows I can be. 
     This makes me think of a beautiful song by Danielle Rose that’s certainly worth a lesson called “The Saint that is Just Me.”
     Lord, open our hearts to Your love and help us to focus on You, Your will for our lives, Your vision for our future.  Lead us to stop thinking or wishing we were somebody else and instead accept that we are Your beloved children and will glorify You most by becoming the saints You want us to be and are already helping us become. Amen. 

Because I Am Furniture

    Can you break the patterns of abuse in a household of five where there’s only one person willing to admit the truth about what goes on behind closed doors?   
     Because I Am Furniture is heartbreakingly real.  I was profoundly moved by these poems and curious to discover how well a novel-length story would be told through them in a way that would appeal and speak to young adults.  It’s been a while since I immersed myself in writing and reading poetry.  It felt very good to get back into it and see how forceful and powerful poems can be in conveying raw human emotion, longings, fears, and honest thoughts we’d rarely, if ever, say aloud…
     I was worried when I checked this book out of the library that I might find it more of an experiment on the page of breaking a prose novel into lines and calling them poems, but I was pleasantly floored by this poignant poetry and how well-crafted each piece of the story is—lyrically and in a literary sense. 
     Because I Am Furniture reminded me how beautifully naked emotion and serious conflicts can be arranged on the page as well as how essential it is to keep in mind that every word, every syllable counts.  I needed such jarring evidence that we do a major disservice in whatever we write if we add fluff to cushion the blow or water down the stark reality and piercing pain that exists in real life. 
     I found myself praying for victims of all types of abuse as I read this.  That’s the only way I could keep going when I know that there are people who are actually living in such terrifying situations as this one.
     The fear of speaking out against the perpetrators of such horrifying acts is quite tangible in this novel, as is the heartache of someone who carries the burden of seeing what’s going on and knowing it needs to stop, but who isn’t sure how to end the vicious cycle in effect.
     To read more about Because I Am Furniture or to order your own copy, click here.

Sinner by Lino Rulli

If the old adage that you’re only as sick as your secrets is true, then Lino Rulli may actually be pretty healthy.  In Sinner- The Catholic Guy's Funny, Feeble Attempts to Be a Faithful Catholic, he’s straightforward, even about subjects most people would go to great lengths to avoid, such as being: rejected by women, tested for and diagnosed with Prostatitis (the first two aren’t necessarily related, as far as I know), arrested for underage drinking and vandalism, a lack of direction in life, and a multitude of sins.

     
Some passages of the book are laugh out loud funny, and others seem to be more an exercise in pushing the envelope in terms of subject matter shared outside of a confessional or a doctor’s office.  One thing I appreciated about this work is Lino Rulli’s honesty.  He approaches life and wrote this book certain of a few things: 1.) he’s made a lot of mistakes and fallen short in many areas of his life 2.) truth and honesty are best for purposes of humility and humor 3.) the Catholic Church is both the ultimate safe haven and vessel of healing for sinners.     There are certainly some who would be very put-off and offended The Catholic Guy’s Howard Stern sort of approach to the faith, and others who will find his brand of humor hilarious.  A number of sections—regardless of your taste in humor—will prick your conscience, make your jaw drop, and possibly even lead you back to the Sacrament of

Lino Rulli is a sinner.  He’s sorry, and he knows it, writes about it at length, and may very well thereby lure some fallen away Catholics back to the grace and mercy that God provides through the Sacraments.

      
This review was written as part of the Catholic book reviewer program from The Catholic Company. Visit The Catholic Company to find more information on Sinner- The Catholic Guy's Funny, Feeble Attempts to Be a Faithful Catholic. They are also a great source for a Catechism of the Catholic Church or a Catholic Bible.

     

Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here

A Skewed View

     Heck, I don’t think she’d even deign to visit our apartment. The brick building’s nothing special to look at—there’s much more consideration for form and solid fall-out structure than any attempt at an architectural masterpiece. I’m fairly certain there’s not a straight line in the place. Yes, that includes doorframes, windows, cupboards, counters, and the hardwood floors.

     I was horrified when the parents of one of the boys I nannied for came over to bring us a care package after Kevin’s foot surgery in January 2006. The father is a builder and safety inspector, and the mother is all about Martha Stewart when it comes to decorating, colors, and cleanliness. Thankfully, neither of them said anything about our humble, jumbled abode, at least not while still within earshot of us.

When I Slip, You Slip, We Slip

     Before Kevin and I had dining room furniture, we had a couple office chairs on wheels. The first time mom came over for a meal with my sister Theresa, she offered to sit on one of the office chairs. When she finished eating and picked up her feet, she slid all the way across the room. As she slipped away, she began singing Broadway show tunes. I couldn’t help but laugh (mostly because she was sliding across the room, singing show tunes at the dinner table isn't actually all that unusual for my mom, sisters, and me).

     One night years ago, I was having trouble sleeping, so I went into the office to write for a bit on my desktop computer. I was sitting at the desk in a chair with wheels on it and in a still-sleepy-stupor made the mistake of folding my legs in the chair. The moment my feet left the floor, I slid to the center of the room. This surprised me considerably and woke me up completely.

He Loves Me for Me!

     This past week, I’ve been giving into the temptation to compare myself to others, and it’s gotten me discouraged. I was grateful to come across Kate Wicker’s post “A Cure for Comparing: Seeing with God’s Eyes.” I also found it extremely ironic that last night is when I received the e-mail from Tiber River saying my review of Becoming the Woman God Made You to Be had been approved.  I made myself reread the book review before posting on my blog, knowing that I needed/need the reminders of God’s love and His perfect timing, and that He loves me whether or not I’m a good cook, exceptional housekeeper, or wear cute clothing and fun jewelry.

     Lord, help me become the woman You have made and know I can be. Teach me to be content with who I am because I have been made in Your image, have Your unconditional love, and limitless mercy to help me grow in holiness, and fulfill Your purpose and will for my life. Amen.

Becoming the Woman God Made You to Be

Tammy Evevard, your prayer has been answered. At least one of them, anyway. In the introduction of Becoming the Woman God Made You to Be, you tell the reader: “My prayer is that this book comes at just the right moment for you.”  I mention this because this book did indeed come at the right time.  I had selected this one to review a month and a half ago, and it arrived this week, precisely when God knew I would need to read the first two chapters.  These pages happen to include two Scripture passages which the Lord has used over and over again in my life to remind me of His love for me and His Presence within me.  Romans 8:38-39 and Psalm 139 are powerful reminders of God’s love and how He saw us in the womb and sees us now: as “fearfully, wonderfully made.” 

     
Though some very painful stories are shared, Evevard keeps things focused on how God has used people who have been hurt and broken, who aren’t quite society’s model citizens to carry out His Will, transform hearts, and change lives forever.
   
One essential lesson to take from this book is: whether you like make-up, fashion, public speaking, and ice cream or you prefer to go au naturel, select clothes that are comfortable over those that are cutting-edge, work behind-the-scenes and are lactose intolerant, God loves you for who you are.  He loves you where you are, and He’s got amazing plans for your life.      
     
The message that God can work in, with, and through us, regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in, is one that I’ve needed to hear time and again.  Evevard includes ample reminders of these faith facts.  Amazing author, priest, and spiritual director, Henri Nouwen, is one of my all-time favorite writers, so I loved the quotes she included from his work. 
     
She also poses some powerful questions: “How bad do you want to be holy?  How bad do you want to be all that God has created you to be?  How bad do you want to get out of the prisons you live in?”  The Lord seems to keep asking us these same questions throughout our lives.  It seems many people get to the point when God says: You love me and want to do My Will above your own.  How bad do you want it? 
     
Are you willing to give up anything and anyone in your life if that’s what God asks of you?  It’s hard to say in the moment what we’ll put on the line, but we can rest assured, we’ll always be given the grace necessary to do the Lord’s Will, no matter how difficult.   
      
As with many of the points she made, they weren’t ones I hadn’t heard before or read elsewhere, but they were good reminders that women spend way too much time worrying about what others think, when we are always better off concentrating on how God sees us and feels about us. 
      
Chances are most women will be able to relate to some story, sentiment, or concern within these pages and be reminded what God wants them to know about the beauty of being a W-O-M-A-N.     
     
You can purchase this book here.

I wrote this review of Becoming The Woman God Made You to Be for the free Catholic book review program, Tiber River. Tiber River is the first Catholic book review site, started in 2000 to help you make informed decisions about Catholic book purchases. I receive free product samples as compensation for writing reviews for Tiber River.

Dion The Wanderer Talks Truth

Dion -- The Wanderer Talks Truth is a great read I heard about through a God-incident.  When we took our best friend/brother John to the National Basilica of the Sacred Heart a couple weeks ago, he got some books at the gift shop.  He picked up a copy of this one for his sister, who is really into music and loves Dion.  None of us had realized Dion is Catholic. 

     
I selected Dion -- The Wanderer Talks Truth to review so I could talk about it with John’s sister, who also loves to read, and because it’s sort of off-the-beaten-path from what I usually select.    

     
Dion’s amazing journey to stardom includes the blues, those in his own life and those that inspired his music.  He got caught up for a number of years in the pop music artists’ traditional mélange of: alcohol, drugs, and Rock and Roll.  Throughout his life, Dion had some very strong influences on his music, many people who stood up and out with him from his Bronx neighborhood and the international music scene, and the support of someone I can only assume from his description of her is a remarkable woman, his teenage sweetheart/wife, Susan.  It’s always encouraging to hear of a couple who’s remained together through some tough times and come out stronger on the other side.  It’s nothing short of inspiring to learn of a Rock and Roll legend who’s realized God needs to be at the center of his life, someone who is still very much in love with his wife and proud of his three daughters.   

Two interesting facts I learned from the book that I bet many would get wrong if playing Rock and Roll trivia are: 1. “The Wanderer” is not a song written about Dion himself, and 2. “Runaround Sue” wasn’t written about his lovely wife.  The musicians did have a female from their town in mind when they wrote the song, but they changed the name of the girl to protect the guilty and provide them with a name which was easy to fit into many rhymes.      

    
In a thoroughly fascinating, often humorous way, Dion describes his roundabout adventure back to the Catholic Church.  From the priest in his neighborhood who would shout out questions to him about virtue and morality from across the street to his discovery of the Bible and subsequent interest in St. Augustine, the Holy Spirit kept bringing him closer to the heart and soul of all creation, the God who is Love and Truth.  

     
My husband’s more of the music historian of the two of us, so I was pleasantly surprised to find out what Kevin would probably have already known: a number of Dion’s songs have been extremely popular and are easily identifiable to people from many different generations, including mine. 

     
The only thing I could think of that would have made reading this book even more enjoyable would be if I’d had some of Dion’s greatest hits on-hand to play.  Of course, he mentions a number of his songs and even includes some of the lyrics in the book.  Okay, so maybe there’s one more thing that would enhance the experience: I’d love to meet his wife Susan.  She sounds like a very strong, faithful wife the caliber of which not many Rock and Roll stars have had by their side, ever and/or certainly not since their youth. 

     
I highly recommend this read for music buffs, those who have fallen away from the Church, and anyone who enjoys a good story told with humor and honesty.         

     
This review was written as part of the Catholic book reviewer program from The Catholic Company. Visit The Catholic Company to find more information on Dion -- The Wanderer Talks Truth. They are also a great source for a Catechism of the Catholic Church or a Catholic Bible.

Precious in God's Sight

Most of the time it is very easy for me to see how others are truly Precious in God’s Sight.  Quite frequently, there are moments when I am given a glimpse of the overwhelming love God has for the people who cross my path…the elderly man who is bent over his cane, and comes in with a slow shuffle to the first pew at daily Mass, the gentle compassionate woman who accompanies him, a mother staring with awe into the eyes of her newborn child, the unbridled excitement of a student who has mastered a difficult task, a priest whose profound reverence for the True Presence of Our Lord Jesus Christ in the Holy Eucharist edifies all who are at Mass… 

     

At such times, I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves these people so very much, that they are indeed precious and beloved children of His.  I sense the tenderness, compassion, and love that I know must fill the Lord at the mere thought of one of His children.   

     
The much more difficult aspect of this truth that we are all Precious in God’s Sight is believing that I, too, am included among His beloved children.  Though He knows every sin I’ve ever committed, every time and instance when I’ve turned away, I am still Precious in God’s Sight.
     
I have trouble wrapping my mind around this notion.  I can see how and why Christ suffered and died to reconcile other people to the Lord, but I still am baffled at times as to why He would endure such torture for me. 
     
You and I belong to the Lord and are infinitely Precious in God’s Sight, because He created us in His image.  There is nothing we can do to earn the Lord’s love or to make Him stop loving us.  There are a multitude of things we can do to experience and accept God’s love on a deeper level.  There are a myriad of things we can do to refuse God’s love and reject His grace, but not even those actions will cause the Lord to stop loving us.  It’s virtually inconceivable for an action-oriented, results-driven person like me to accept that my mere existence glorifies God.  I can think of a number of people in my life who I am sure glorify and bring delight to the Lord just by their existence, but I often feel it’s hardest to accept that’s true of me, too. 
    
Dear Lord, please bless all of us on our spiritual journeys.  Help us open up our hearts so that the Holy Spirit is able to move freely in and through us to bring others closer to You.  Sanctify our minds, bodies, and spirits, so we are strong, holy vessels for Your word, love, and Truth.  Give us peace that passes all understanding, a sense of deep, unquenchable joy, and a profound trust in You.  Guide us to choose Your will in all areas of our lives.  Show us how precious we are to You, and grant us the ability to see ourselves and others through Your loving eyes.  Amen. 

Note to Reader: This reflection was written in honor of the participants of the Women's Cursillo Weekend taking place May 19-22, 2011 at the Abbey and first appeared in the May 2011 Edition of the Rooster Review.  Please keep all of them in your prayers.

Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Joy of Loving and Being Loved

My husband and I have enjoyed the mixture of wisdom, faith, enthusiasm, and humor Matthew Kelly uses in his CDs, books, and speeches, so I figured we’d probably like The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Joy of Loving and Being Loved DVD version of the book I recently read and reviewed by the same title. We both give it a thumbs up!
    
Many of the general statements Matthew Kelly makes about human nature and relationships, vulnerability and humility are extremely accurate. Since he started his ministry at the age of nineteen, he’s observed quite a bit, read and experienced a good deal, and has gleaned from all three of these elements in order to fine-tune his talk.
   
In this particular DVD, he’s talking to a group of people at a Catholic Singles Conference. He adeptly weaves in the theme of cultural bias against people who are single, and why not to buy into it.      He also underlines some major misconceptions our culture promotes that cause trouble in our relationships. Three of the big ones Kelly spends time on are: 1.) Good relationships are based mainly on common interests. 2.) Understanding is what makes a relationship really work. 3.) In a good relationship, there is no conflict.
    
Kelly explains why good relationships are instead based on a common purpose which he defines as becoming the best version of ourselves and helping others become the best versions of themselves. He shows how it is acceptance and healthy conflict that make for strong relationships rather than understanding and the absence of any disagreement.
    
This gentleman from Australia is certainly a very experienced, well-polished public speaker. I might have to say in some cases that his CDs and DVDs are in some ways better than his books, which cover much of the same material. The technique of repeating, summarizing, and repeating again while giving a talk seems wise and effective, whereas laboring over the same points in a book as many times as you would in a speech seems sloppy.
    
Truthfully, the only problem my husband and I had with the DVD is that the sound quality was really bad. If Matthew Kelly weren’t such a good speaker, my husband, a former sound man for bands and studio owner, wouldn’t have been able to sit and listen to the background noise and interference on the DVD.
    
I recommend this DVD for singles, couples, consecrated religious, priests, and anyone who is interested in improving any and all of their relationships.
    
You can purchase this DVD here. I wrote this review of Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Joy of Loving and Being Loved (DVD) for the Tiber River Blogger Review program.  Tiber River is the first Catholic book review site, started in 2000 to help you make informed decisions about Catholic book purchases. I receive free product samples as compensation for writing reviews for Tiber River.

A New Chapter: Theresa's off to College

My sister Theresa and I on the day of her high school graduation.

I’m still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my youngest sister Theresa moved into her dorm room at The Ohio State University yesterday. I can’t honestly say it feels like just last week when Mary and I were out trick-or-treating with our neighbors when our baby sister was born. It feels like it was a long time ago, but it’s really strange having her go off to school.
   
This has been an interesting few weeks as the two little guys I nannied for had their first day of kindergarten, and my youngest sister who in many ways I was like an “other mother” to, especially when she was little, is off to college. I feel like I should go pull out the photo albums, look at the baby pictures, the toddler years, and marvel at how much she’s grown, how some things have really changed and how others have remained the same. Maybe I’ll wait and do that once my mom gets home from helping Theresa get settled in her dorm room, so we can ooh, aah, and reminisce together.    
It doesn’t feel all that long ago that Theresa was visiting me for a long weekend in the fall of 2002 while I going Hollins University. She was in fifth grade at the time, and was the same age/grade I was when she was born. We’re eleven years and five days apart. You can only tell us apart in some of our baby pictures because of the people and furniture around us.
   
She’s gone from being a Rebel, the mascot of her high school, to a Buckeye. Hopefully this switch from having a mascot that’s a troublemaker to one that’s simply a deciduous tree will be a smooth one.

Here are some excerpts from the letter I gave her before she left:

I honestly believe you’re going to be one of the people who really gets the most out of college in all areas. You’ll have fun making friends, come into your own as a dancer, find out what it’s like to live on your own, and figure out more about who you are at your core.
     
It’s okay and perfectly normal if you find yourself missing your friends, your room, your mom, and perhaps once in a great while even your sisters. It’s quite likely that the people around you will feel that, too, sometimes. Give yourself time to get used to living in a new place, making new friends, and taking college courses. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel about your new surroundings, new classmates, etc. In many ways, college is like the people closest to you, it will bring out the best in you and at times it will bring out the worst. It’s the whole wherever you go, there you are thing.
     
You went over to Europe and traveled around, enjoyed exploring, learning new things, had fun shopping, and got to do some adventuresome things, though you really enjoyed the family feel of being on the farm and having a big Sunday dinner and a grandmamma to fuss over you. You’re an adventuresome, upbeat type, so you’ll make this transition pretty smoothly, I’d imagine.
     
The more time you spend talking and hanging out with your new friends instead of talking to, texting or e-mailing your friends back home, the faster you’ll feel comfortable there and get into a new groove. The people you became close friends with in high school are going to grow and change, just like you will, but you’ll still be able to reconnect quickly during breaks and things when you’re all back in Richmond, because you’ve had so many years you’ve known each other.
    
Lord, please use these next four years of her life to draw her ever closer to You, help her to see the beauty she possesses inside and out, and develop the gifts and talents You have given her to glorify You. Amen.

Living the Lie that Everything's Fine

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

I used to be much better at fooling people than I am now. I got so used to burying my thoughts and feelings that there were times it took me quite a while before I could go below the surface of what I did during the day to access how it made me feel and what I thought about it. Most of these thoughts and feelings I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying out loud.
  
My mom, who was my only real confidante for many years, still remembers how it would take me half an hour of talking with her about superficial things, then a half hour of crying without being able to say anything before I’d finally open up and tell her what was going on inside.
  
Looking back, I find it hard to believe that I held so much in for so long. My middle school and high school years were often tumultuous and sometimes downright hellish, yet rarely did my closest friends know what was going on in my life. Part of the reason I didn’t talk about illnesses, injuries, addictions, disagreements, embarrassments were because I didn’t want to cry in public. I didn’t want to be seen as vulnerable or weak. Plus, as is customary of dysfunctional families, we had an unwritten law that you just don’t talk about it to other people.
  
It surprises me now how deceptively good I got at acting like everything was fine. I earned good grades, was involved in clubs, hung out with friends on the weekends, and went to church, but on the inside I was deeply unhappy, stressed, afraid, and worn down from living the lie.
  
A song that came out in 2005 whose lyrics and the theatrical singing performance amused me because of how well they portrayed the duplicitousness of people. In the song, “Mother, Mother” off of The Secret Life album by The Veronicas, the following lines are sung in such a way, they’ve stuck in my head for years as a prime example of what people say versus what they’re really feeling:
  
“I’m hungry. I’m dirty. I’m losing my miiiiind!”  “EVERYTHING’S FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!”
“I’m freezing. I’m starving. I’m bleeding to death!”  “EVERYTHING’S FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!”
  
There's only One who always knows if what we're saying is truly in line with what's in our heart and on our mind.  Others may think they know, but sometimes they're wrong.  We don't always say what we mean or what we think.  It's rather ironic that so often we crave intimacy, wanting so much to be known, accepted, and loved, yet we fear the vulnerability required to let others get to know us.
  
Lord, You who knit us in our mother’s womb, have known us from the beginning of time. You know each word and action, every thought and motivation behind it, yet You love us infinitely and desire to have an intimate relationship with us. You alone know us inside and out and can, therefore, love us more completely than anyone else. Lord, open our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls to such a profound intimate love, as Yours was, is, and ever shall be.

Quiet Desperation

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation...                                                  

                                                                                      -Henry David Thoreau

Many circumstances have led me to believe that many people really do lead lives of quiet desperation. I’ve often been surprised to find out that someone I see regularly is going through a major personal or family crisis. Most of us have been taught to hide any impression of being stressed or depressed. Put aside fear or indecision, and forge ahead with a purpose. Never let them see you sweat…or sigh, give up, give in, quit. Big girls don’t cry. That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Blah, blah, blah.

I know I was schooled in the art of living the lie that everything was fine when really it wasn’t. Early on, we’re taught to get ahold of our emotions and stifle them or bury them when it isn’t considered appropriate to express them. When growing up, we learned to do this not only when we were in the grocery store and wanted candy we’d been told we couldn’t have, but also when in front of a group of our peers whose teasing only escalated if we became increasingly upset. When company came, we were told to be on our best behavior, meaning not embarrassing our parents by saying or doing anything that would reveal our true nature and upbringing wasn’t by any means Mary Poppins kind of picture perfect.

  
If almost every one of the family members and friends I am close to has one thing or another going on in their lives that is a crisis or could easily become one, then it makes me think that’s also the case with people I don’t know very well.
  

For many years, I was convinced that I shouldn’t say anything about what I experienced or how I felt because other people wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t care, and/or wouldn’t believe me. Most of their families seemed normal. I assumed my friends weren’t worried about the effects of workaholism, alcoholism, depression, or co-dependency on a family. I was right. Some of them weren’t worried about any of those things; instead, they were concerned about cancer, separation, divorce, finances, physical and/or emotional abuse, drugs, and death.

  
Now that I’ve learned more about human nature, I know adults are particularly adept at putting on a mask that tells everyone life’s just fine even when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Some people’s masks are more elaborate, sophisticated, deceptively calm, sickeningly sweet, or duplicitously attractive than others. I’ve found, lately, mine, which used to be several inches thick, has begun to wear thin—perhaps because I’m sick of keeping so much in. If I’ve fooled all of the people some of the time, then I bet you have, too. What if I take off my mask and you remove yours?

Mirror Images versus Made in His Image

It’s quite amusing to watch kids checking themselves out in a mirror. They smile, make funny faces, flex their muscles, and enjoy seeing how they look from different angles. The only time recently when I’ve had that sort of elated reaction when looking in a mirror has been when I’m holding a little one or when Kevin comes up behind me and makes silly faces.
    
When I look in the mirror, I’m more likely to notice the dark circles under my eyes, the blemishes on my face, the off-center slant of my nose…than I am to marvel at my appearance.
    
I was disturbed by my reflection in the full-length mirror in our hotel room. I could see all my muscles in need of toning, clear evidence in my legs that I have poor circulation and don’t exercise often enough, and was forced to face a number of flaws from head-to-toe that made me tempted to put on pants and long sleeves rather than exit our room wearing my swimsuit. One consolation is that we were several hours from home, and I’d likely never run into the people who saw me ever again.
    
Kevin found my thoughts about all of this to be unreasonable. My dear husband couldn’t understand why I became discouraged. For that, I’m grateful. If he’d been standing behind me pointing out all of the physical flaws I’m already aware of, it would have only made things worse. Fortunately, he sees me through the eyes of love. He actually likes that I’m curvier now than when we first met. My love isn’t blind. He knows I could tone up and firm up in places, yet that’s not what he sees first when he looks at me.
   
It’s rather baffling to me when other people who are very attractive aren’t happy with their looks. I wonder why they can’t see what other people see when they look at them. I also find it fascinating that other people who some would consider homely are perfectly content with their looks.
    
The only way to find the healthy place between feeling ugly and being vain is to remember that we are each made in the image of God. Regardless of what we see or think when we look in the mirror (or what others view or think when they look at us), God sees each of us as beautiful, precious, and lovable all the time. It’s even easier for Him to perceive and admire our physical likeness to Christ than it is for us to identify the resemblance between members of the same immediate family.
    
Lord, teach us how to see ourselves and others the way You see us. Remind us that Your view of us is even more beautiful than that which is seen through the eyes of a loving father, a tender mother, a gentle spouse, a long-time friend… Help us to accept Your view of us and reach out to others to show how it is You see them. Amen.

Home Improvement: God as Interior Decorator

     I like contemplating the verse from John 15:7 (NKJV): “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.”
     Two or three months ago when I was at Mass at the Pastoral Center, Fr. Nott explained where the verb “abide” comes from and what it implied for that day’s readings. His explanation has helped me delve deeper into this verse. He told us that “abide” was derived from the noun “abode” which we know to be home or dwelling. So in this verse from the Gospel of John, the Lord is giving two conditions in the first part that we must make our home inside of God, and we need to allow His words to dwell within us.