Hard Habits to Break

I found this article “Breaking Bad Habits: Why It’s So Hard to Change” a while back, and it spoke to me.  I guess part of the reason is because I know I have unhealthy behaviors, and I’m often uncomfortably aware and, at times, even really bothered by other people’s practices, usually because they in some way mirror or bring to the surface weaknesses I have.  This article reminded me of what is helpful and productive in breaking bad habits and establishing good ones in their place.

     
A big part of my problem is that I tend to minimize the effects of what I do and how other people are inadvertently harmed in the process.  Comparing the severity or seriousness of something I could change with someone else’s addiction (whether clinically diagnosed as such or not) isn’t a good way to grow in holiness or compassion.

    
As we are reminded in the Gospel of Luke 18:9-14, when the Pharisee exalts himself before the Lord for his supposed righteousness and the tax collector stays in the back of the sanctuary begging God for forgiveness, acknowledging that he is a lowly sinner, desperately in need of God’s mercy, we see what’s in these men’s hearts.  The minute we take credit for any of the goodness in us instead of thanking God for it, we run into trouble, pride, and veer into self-righteousness. 

We think we are good because we keep the laws and do what we’re supposed to do, but if we are doing everything for show or the admiration, attention, or respect of others, God sees through that.  He knows what’s in our hearts, whether we care to acknowledge He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves or not.    

   
There have been way too many times in my life when I have judged others because of the decisions they make, though I’m often guilty of similar mistakes and sins.  My thoughts go generally something like this: Well, at least I’m not doing what so-and-so is doing.  What they are doing is sooooo much worse and more despicable, destructive, immoral, sinful, disgusting…  I would never stoop so low as that.  Wow!  I can’t believe they can’t see what a mess they’re making of things.  I mean, really, someone should do an intervention or something.

    
Does that line of thinking sound familiar to you?  Over the years, I’ve learned that when I feel really upset by something someone is doing, it’s most often due to the fact that their behavior triggers an area of weakness in me.  In seeing someone else as different, less noble, less fragile… less anything, then we are refusing to look at what inside of us is lacking. 

    
It’s always easier to point fingers and criticize others than it is to take responsibility and ownership for the decisions we make and things we do that reflect that we are just as proud, arrogant, selfish, sinful, and disillusioned as they are.  (I covered this topic in a blog post titled What's the Best Reason I Know to Have a Personal Relationship with God? I Am!) 

    
Simone Weil stated that: “Every sin is an attempt to fly from emptiness.” This quote appears in the Magnificat magazine for Sunday, October 27, 2013, and seems to fit perfectly. We all go from temptation into sin for the same reason: to escape the pain of missing something that we want or need, to fill a void that is real or imagined. 

    
A destructive habit or behavior is always an attempt to make up for some aspect or way in which we feel we are lacking or at the very least to distract us temporarily from the discontent, inadequacy, or “emptiness” we are experiencing.

    
Only in acknowledging the places inside of us that are broken, empty, and in need of healing are we able to empathize and have compassion for others.  If we look down on and judge others who choose to do things to avoid their own emptiness which we find reprehensible, then we are often unaware of their level of pain and suffering, and/or we refuse to concede that it is in any way similar to our own. 

    
People deal with pain and suffering in different ways.  One person’s way of coping might not necessarily seem as detrimental as another person’s, but so many of the things we do to suppress our pain, distract ourselves from it, and/or merely survive through it are harmful to our souls, our relationship with God and others.

      
This reminds me of a very famous quote of Blessed Mother Teresa: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”  Rarely do we know the situation that someone else is in, the details of their lives, the source or depth of their hurt, and even when we do know a great deal, we don’t know everything.  If we set ourselves up as a judge of someone else, then we are, in essence, saying that we are superior to or somehow better than they are in some area.  Again, in distancing ourselves, we deny the ways that we are lacking, whether it be regarding knowledge of the situation or compassion for another’s weakness. 

    
There was an activity we did at a personal growth seminar many years ago that has stuck in my mind.  The speaker begins describing a situation and talks about what a person does, then participants are asked how they would respond to the individual in those circumstances using body language that ranges from hostile/disapproving to welcoming/friendly.  When told the first part of the scenario, most people indicate they would be upset and react negatively.  Then the speaker continues with a little more backstory, and the more people find out about what this person is going through, the more compassionate people become.  For example, the inattentive, seemingly rude salesclerk is seen through the eyes of compassion once we know that she’s a single mom undergoing chemotherapy but has to come into work though exhausted and feeling sick to put food on the table.

    
The next time we are tempted to judge someone, we could instead pray and ask God to show us what is lacking or feeling empty in us that makes us feel the need to criticize or put down someone else.  It’s a lot more uncomfortable to acknowledge that we’re triggered by other people’s behavior and blame them for what they’re doing than it is to take responsibility for our reaction to other people’s choices and the pain we experience to the Lord for healing.

    
Another solution that has worked many times in addition to prayer is to ask questions and really listen to what the person has to say.  So few people are good at actively listening, and even those who know how to do it don’t necessarily practice it all of the time. 

When all else fails, we can stop and pray what many have come to call "the Jesus prayer:" “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me a sinner.”               

How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You…?!

     I have often heard and/or started this question with exasperation, anger, frustration, and aggravation.  Have you ever heard someone say or said to someone else: how many times do I have to tell you…?  My guess is that you have and that at some point you have even said these words.  

     Perhaps the opening question was paired with one of the following: tie your shoes, don’t pick your nose, there are no monsters living under your bed, do your homework, don’t bite your nails, wash your hands with soap and water for 20 seconds every time you use the bathroom and before you eat, of course that’s not a poisoned apple, rinse your dirty dishes before you put them in the sink or the dishwasher, clean clothes belong inside your dresser not on top of it, wipe your feet on the mat before you come inside, the big bad wolf is not knocking at our door, use your silverware, wipe your mouth off with your napkin not your sleeve, stop shouting, speak up, share your toys, pick up your books, stop hitting, kicking, whining, settle down, don’t run, calm down, buck up, leave your scab alone, pick up the mess you made, your milk is to drink not pour on the floor, turn out the lights when you’re not using them, say grace before meals,

stop blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk, even princesses have to follow rules, remember to say please and thank you, chew with your mouth closed, don’t put your shoes on the furniture, eat your vegetables or you won’t get dessert, don’t laugh when someone gets hurt…

     We don’t like it when people don’t listen to us.  We want to be heard, have our thoughts and concerns noted, and our feelings accepted as valid.  When we have to repeat things over and over again, we get frustrated, whether young or old. 

 

     Sometimes I’m so busy critiquing my own thoughts and actions as well as correcting and guiding those of the young people left in my care (and truth be told, also advising and making suggestions to my husband) that I’m not as good about listening.  I know.  It's shocking, right?

     I make the same mistake in my prayer life all the time.  I go to God with all of these people, concerns, situations, and requests, but I don’t spend nearly as much time being still and listening.  It’s so flipping difficult sometimes to allow myself time to be in the Presence of the Lord rather than bouncing from one item on my to-do list to another.

     How many times does God have to tell us to slow down, make time for Him, pray, listen more, worry less, accept His unconditional love though we don’t deserve it and could do nothing to earn it, receive His limitless mercy, embrace His forgiveness and compassion, know that He will never leave us or forsake us, be not afraid, let Him be our strength, He will turn our tears into dancing, our night into day, our struggles into blessings…?  

     This is one of my all-time favorite songs, definitely a perfect one for my life, by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  It's called "So You Would Know," but you'll recognize a number of questions asked in a totally different way.

     

STOP: The Complaint Box is Full!

     Quite honestly, I can only take so many complaints and criticisms at a time, and, right now, my inbox is full to overflowing.  For one thing, I am my own harshest critic, so I have several slips of paper that are permanently stacked on the inside of the complaint box taking up a good quarter, maybe even a half, of the space that’s in there.  Chances are pretty good that many of the judgmental things you want to say to me are already in the box, so let’s not waste paper and be redundant restating things that have already been said.

     Okay, that’s not quite fair.  You don’t really know which complaints are already in there, so I’ll give you a smattering of some of the most popular ones and/or those most frequently repeated: “You’re not a good listener…You’re always so negative…You don’t take criticism well…You’re selfish…You need to slow down…You worry too much…You’re too serious…You’re too sensitive…You spend too much time reading…You spend too much time on the computer…You’re too critical…You need to remove all the “shoulds” from your vocabulary…You need to lighten up…You ought to relax…You need to stop being so hard on yourself!”
     That last one is one of my favorites, since it seems to be the most important to remember when others are so quick and thorough in reminding me of all the ways I’m a failure. 
     I’m not saying that I disagree with the criticisms above.  Many, if not all, of them are probably true, at least to some extent.  What I’m saying is that I get it.  I’m not who you want me to be.  Here’s a newsflash for you: I’m not who I want me to be either.  Actually, we agree on much of this, so there’s no need to stage a full-out attack.  We’re on the same side.  
     In the past couple weeks, I’ve been thinking, praying, and writing to process things.  This is some of what I have been considering: Is it enough that God loves me?  Yes, I believe that deep down that is enough.  When I’ve been stripped of anything and everything I once saw as strengths or admirable qualities, I’m left only with a certainty in His love for me, not because I feel loved or lovable, but because He’s blessed me with a knowing that I am even when everyone around me and the many lies inside of me seem to scream that’s not the case. 
     There are times when it feels like my life is useless, but when I ask God if that’s the case, the answer that comes to me is always: “No, not at all.”
     I know I am more to God than the sum of my useful abilities and actions.  Gifts given to me by God which I offer back to Him in service of others can be made useful, holy, and, through God’s grace, bring others closer to Him. 
     It shouldn’t matter to me what others think as long as I’m carrying out God’s will and using my abilities as He wants, for whom He wants, when and how He wants. 
     Lord, help me turn to You to get an accurate view of who I am.  I can be so easily confused, hurt, and discouraged by my own thoughts and feelings as well as those of people closest to me.  You alone know everything about me, yet you love me unconditionally.  Help me be better about accepting that love and mercy, correction and guidance, so that I am a better vessel of it for others.  Amen.