Napkin Notes: Creating a Daily Connection with Those You Love by Garth Callaghan

I put off reading Napkin Notes until I felt the time was right. I knew Garth Callaghan’s story would resonate powerfully with me after losing my dad when he was still fairly young.  (I mentioned my hesitancy to tackle this international bestselling book in a recent post: Handwritten Notes, Simple Prayers, and Redemptive Suffering.)

Reading Napkin Notes reminded me of the book The Last Lecture in which Randy Pausch, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, gives suggestions, encouragement, and inspiration to his children about how to live a meaningful life.  Some of the messages about being yourself, making good choices, and living in such a way that others are uplifted by your life are covered in both books.  

My dad died just 16 days after he turned 54.  He didn’t live long enough to see my youngest sister graduate from high school or meet his first grandchild.

In some ways, my dad’s life and Garth Callaghan’s have been similar.  Both hailed from upstate New York, were raised Roman Catholic, and served as altar boys back in the day.  Each of them became successful businessmen known for their can-do attitude and perseverance.  A fondness for alcohol, willingness to travel for work and an innate desire to provide financial security and stability for their families drove them to keep going long after others would have quit physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually.    

While still in his 40s, Garth had been diagnosed with kidney cancer twice, prostate cancer once, and told he has an 8 percent chance of living past five years.  He and his wife Lissa have one child, a daughter named Emma, who he feared he might not be alive to see graduate from high school. 

Suddenly, a daily practice he started while Emma was still a little girl became even more meaningful to both the writer and the recipient of these little lunchtime notes.  Garth decided that he would write enough napkin notes that even if he doesn’t live to or through her senior year of high school, Emma will still have a napkin note from her dad for each day of school she has from now through graduation.  He did the math and determined he would need to complete 826 napkin notes in order to reach his goal. 

The written word is powerful, especially in the digital age, where most people would sooner send a text, post a message on a Facebook wall, or shoot someone an e-mail than sit down and handwrite a note, card, or letter to a loved one.   

What a gift that Emma has a father who desires so much to be there for and with her as she goes through life.  What a blessing that Garth Callaghan has been inspired to do something each day to reach out in love to his daughter.  And what good fortune that the message about the importance of connecting daily with loved ones has been spread far and wide.

I highly recommend Napkin Notes, the book and the concept of reaching out now, even in the simplest ways, to let your loved ones know how much you care about them.  Click here to read more about Garth Callaghan, Napkin Notes, watch one of his many TV interviews, and/or to meet the man behind the napkins.   

Four Important Things I’ve Learned about Hospice Care (from experience with my dad, grandma, and both of my in-laws)

This is an original piece of artwork
done some years back by my youngest sister.

Sometimes we are able to get used to the fact someone we love won’t be with us on Earth for much longer, but that still doesn’t necessarily make their passing easy for them or for us.  Other times, death comes suddenly, and is a jarring shock to all involved. 

The truth is we don’t know how long we have left here.  I’ve found honesty and a willingness to be vulnerable go a long way towards connecting with others on a deeper level.  When my dad was in a great deal of pain physically or was struggling in mind or spirit, I wanted him to feel safe enough to tell me that. 

I remember assuring him time and again I’d rather know the truth than have him expend extra energy pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t.  There were days when he was hurting too much to pretend, though he wanted to.  It was difficult seeing my dad so weak and fragile. 

The anguish he experienced pierced my heart as well, because, although I wanted very much to alleviate his suffering, there was only so much I could do.  I took courage in knowing the whole time that my family and I weren’t alone in all of this.  In addition to his doctors and medical professionals, we now had additional experts who were there for my dad as well as our family. 

Fortunately, my dad didn’t lose his sense of humor throughout the whole ordeal.  He referred to his nebulizer as his “peace pipe,” and joked about getting a wig with dreadlocks for when his brothers came to visit. 

He really freaked out the social worker on his hospice team when he asked how much it would cost for him to be cremated.  Given the estimated expense, which if my memory serves me correctly was somewhere in the $1000+ range, my dad suggested we just put him on a huge barbecue spit/grill sort of thing outside of his place once he died and have the Eagles (one of his favorite bands) playing in the background. 

His hospice nurse knew my dad’s twisted sense of humor after just a couple of her weekly visits, but the poor social worker was stopping in to see him for the first time.  She was rather unprepared for such a gruesome proposal.  Alarmed and unsure if she should take him seriously, she had to go back to the office and write a very in-depth report.

My direct experience with hospice care has thus far included each of Kevin’s parents, my father, and maternal grandmother.   These are some helpful things I’ve learned along the way.

1. Ask questions, express concerns, and feel whatever you’re feeling in front of these health care professionals.  This group of people can handle whatever comes up and has probably been through at least some of it before. 

2. If you as a hospice patient or the family member of someone in hospice care are worried that you might no longer qualify for hospice services, talk with your team about these concerns right away.  Under no circumstances should you start rationing your medicine for fear that you will be kicked out of hospice care.  This includes breathing treatments as well as pain medication.  It is too hard on the individual as a patient, the hospice team as well as the family. 

There are many organizations and resources for help with medical costs, including prescriptions.  Part of what the hospice team is helping to do is ensure your comfort and quality of life.  Don’t undermine your health and doctor’s orders by not following the prescribed regimen.   

3. Is it possible to be “kicked out” of hospice care? Yes, sort of.  My maternal grandmother got well enough that she was out of her room playing cards and visiting with people several times in a row when the hospice nurses came to see her, so they figured she probably no longer needed their services.  My grandma, mom, and the nursing staff at Little Sisters of the Poor all agreed on this.  (If you’re going to stop qualifying for hospice care, this is a great way to get out of it in my opinion.)

4. Talk with your family about your impending death.  Caregivers should feel free to ask hospice what signs to look for to know that the end is imminent and near at hand.  Discuss funeral arrangements and burial preferences honestly, openly, and (preferably without unnecessarily flipping out your assigned hospice care social worker and causing them to fill out a whole lot of extra paperwork).

Handwritten Notes, Simple Prayers, and Redemptive Suffering

How Could That Be?! 

I stared in shock at the handwriting on the envelope.  Had someone held onto this all these years and just now mailed it to me?  The cursive writing looked so very much like my dad’s: large uppercase letters with smaller, tight lowercase ones, slightly disconnected from them. What was the significance of mid-November 2015 for this to arrive in our mailbox? 

False alarm.  The card was actually from one of my Christ Renews His Parish sisters who has moved to Colorado, but the jolt got me thinking. What would a letter from my dad say at this point, after he’s been gone from this life for 6 years, 3 months, and 12 days?  I think it would be simple, honest, loving, sincere, devoid of all attempts to prove his importance, brag about his accomplishments, or call attention to himself. 

What if my life is, in part, one major chunk of what my dad’s letter would be? The mere thought that’s the case brings tears to my eyes and a sense of being completely overwhelmed and underqualified, undeserving and incapable of living out such a legacy.

The Dad Connection & the Napkin Notes book

Thursday night I began reading Napkin Notes by Garth Callaghan.  I’d put off reading it until I felt like I was ready to tackle this book by and about a father who writes short notes to his daughter Emma and puts them in her school lunches so she’ll be reminded each day of his love and also have something to remember him by.

When I recently requested a review copy of this book from Garth Callaghan, who is actually a member of our parish, I had no idea how famous this homespun concept of connecting with your loved ones daily through brief handwritten notes had become. 

In light of my own father passing away when he was still pretty young, I wanted to pick the right time to read it.  I figured this week was as good as any to read Napkin Notes. Unfortunately, the timing couldn’t have been more fitting.   

Handwritten Notes & Simple Prayers

Friday afternoon, while on my lunch break at work, I learned that my Godfather/my dad’s best friend from college, who has been battling an aggressive type of cancer for many years, has decided, based on what his doctors have recently told him, that it’s time to add hospice to his team of caregivers.  

This doesn’t seem fair or believable that this is happening now, just a couple weeks after his mother-in-law passed away and while his wife has also been undergoing treatment for cancer.  

How can this be?  What do I say, write, or do for this family at this time?  The only thing that seems like it will make any difference is to pray for them right now.  Beating myself up over not being better about writing them and staying in touch regularly isn’t going to help. 

I’m feeling exhausted, sick, and worn out myself, so my prayers are stripped down to the bare minimum at present.  Sometimes, all I can manage is: God and a loved one’s name.  Please be with them, help them discern Your will, and take care of them are all implied.  

It reminds me how my dad used to pray the Rosary sometimes.  Instead of praying the usual prayers, he would name a different person for each bead of the Rosary and pray for that individual.  I now have the blue Rosary my dad used for such simple, bare minimum prayers. I trust those and mine are made powerful because they are united with the perfect sacrifice of Christ’s Passion and death on the Cross. 

Redemptive Suffering 

There are times when we have reached our threshold for pain and suffering, but even then, or especially then, we can still offer whatever we are going through to God to use for the salvation of souls in time and eternity. 

Writings from the saints on redemptive suffering remind us of how offering our hurt to Christ in conjunction with the anguish He endured as expiation for our sins, makes everything from the smallest discomfort to the deepest sorrow powerful, meaningful, and of eternal value.

This family and all of those who are entering the holiday season with a loved one in hospice could really use our prayers and support right now.  Will you please join me in lifting them up?

Note to readers: I will continue sharing my thoughts, reflections, and prayers on the topics: terminal illness, parent/child relationships, losing a parent, hospice care, leaving a legacy, and Napkin Notes in subsequent posts.  Please subscribe to receive new posts and/or check back soon to read more.  Thanks and God bless.

Vive la France! A Prayer for True Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité

Lord God, who are Love and Mercy itself, help us reach out to those who are suffering in mind, body, and spirit.  Let us be a listening, compassionate presence to those who have experienced tremendous loss and are grieving.  Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin in each of our hearts and homes.  May it spread far and wide, reaching well beyond borders, languages, religions, and political ideologies in the name of humanity, healing, and hope.  Amen.

Flashbacks of my time in France

In light of the recent terrorist attacks in Paris, I’ve been thinking about what it felt like to be overseas when brought to my knees with the shock of the terrorist attacks that took place in the US on 9/11.

Less than two weeks before, Kevin had driven me up to JFK with my huge bags and kissed me goodbye as I set off to spend my junior year in Paris, France. Kevin and I had seen the Twin Towers from a distance, of course, not knowing that the New York skyline would be altered forever in a matter of days.

Increased security and fear were more apparent even over in France after the terrorist attacks took place. We were advised to tell anyone who asked where we were from that we were Canadian or Australian, just to be on the safe side.

    

In the months to come, I got a bitter taste of the devastation felt in NYC and around the country. It wasn’t the graphic footage or the heart-wrenching stories, but visiting the areas in France that had been bombed during WWII that brought it all crashing home. Some of the churches and structures we saw had never been renovated after the attacks. The ruins, the museums, the photos and videos of places we had walked by just hours before shot through the history books, lectures, dates, and distant places.

For the first time, I got a sense of how horrifying it would be to live in a place where armies were invading, bombs were being dropped, soldiers were coming in tanks…it really scared me.  I would never claim to know how awful war is, but I’m sure that’s when I came the closest to feeling and seeing how terrifying it could be.

My thoughts and prayers are with those in Paris and around the world who are suffering at the hands of cold, heartless people led astray by a legion of lies.  

A Few Photos of My Booth and Supportive Peeps at the Craft Fair TodayI

Kevin helped me laminate Spiritual Diva bookmarks for me to give out,
and he helped me get everything out to and back to our vehicle.
He also was kind enough to bring us some sustenance from Chipotle.

I was tremendously grateful when my mom said that she would be
happy to come and help me sell my photo art cards at the
St. Edward's Craft Fair on November 7, 2015.

These are just a few of the new line of notecards I unveiled at this art show.

Due to rainy weather and other events happening this morning in our area, there wasn't as big a turn out at the Craft Fair today. I'm still glad I did it. It was wonderful to have the love and support of my mom, Kevin Potter, as well as several of my CRHP sisters and Cursillo friends. I got to see the following lovely ladies at my booth: Eileen, Arline,Leslie, Barb, Julieta, among others.

I still have a great selection of card sets perfect for gifts. E-mail, call, or text me. If you're in town, we can set up a time for you to come over or for me to come to you so you can select the designs and types you'd like in person. If you're not nearby, I can e-mail you catalog and notecard options, an order form, etc. Don't worry! This wasn't your only chance to get some Prints of Grace frame photo art cards or newly designed notecards.

Would I Be a Good Mom?

It has been one of my biggest fears for quite some time that I wouldn’t make a good mom. I know full well that the high level of care I strive to provide for other people's children isn't something I could keep up 24/7.    

Even without children of our own for whom we are biologically or legally responsible, nannying for 10-11 hour days when my husband or other immediate family members have been sick, recovering from surgery, and/or in hospice care has pushed me to and sometimes beyond my limits physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I have been reminded in many ways recently that I am the only person who has thought I would need to be perfect in any role. God doesn't expect or ask for perfection. He asks us to trust Him and love others. I still need to get way better at both of those, but He knows I'm at least trying. Lord, help me be open to Your will in all areas of our lives. You are all we really have, and You give us all we really need.

When I had my week back with the three silly sisters, Rainbow Dash asked me more than once when I was taking care of them if we have any children at home, though she knows the answer is no.  When she asked me again on that Friday, I told her that she knows the answer to that question already: we don’t have any babies at our place.  Her response: “but you have us!”  Yes, we do.  And for that, Kevin and I are truly blessed and grateful!

A co-worker asked me one day what Kevin and I think about having children.  Yes, I remember writing this blog post not too long ago:  Top Six Things Never to Say to Couples, Parents, or Caregivers, but this was a genuine inquiry with intent to listen, so we had a discussion about it. 

There was a butterfly flying around the playground while we were talking about foster care and the adoption option.  I couldn’t help but think of a dear Cursillo friend who adopted her daughter from China after a long, arduous journey.  Throughout the stacks of paperwork and years of waiting, the butterfly was a symbol of hope and promise for her.  It was a sign from heaven that her dream and deepest desire to be a mom would eventually come true.    

The idea of being foster parents scares me, because it would absolutely break my heart if we took care of a child then it was decided he or she would return to a bad situation.  I know that’s not what’s supposed to happen, but that too often, it still does. 

I experienced such a sense of loss after I stopped nannying for “my two little guys” that I had a significant period of mourning.  I can’t imagine how profound that would be after having a child live with us for any length of time. 

I’m apprehensive about adoption for a few different reasons.  One of them being that if it’s a local adoption, there’s a chance the parents could change their mind and want to raise the child themselves, which would be heart-wrenching.  Several friends who have adopted have had a very long, strenuous, expensive journeys (ones they know have been worth every second and every penny) to bring home their children.   

Kevin and I have talked about foster care and adoption, and we’re open to both.  Either one would be something God would have to put on our hearts and make us absolutely certain that’s what He is calling us to do.  Right now, we’re doing the best we can to get by and take care of each other while loving and nurturing the children God’s placed in our lives. 

 

God has brought about some major transformation over the past year (to read more about one aspect of this, see How and Why I Broke My Addiction to Sugar), so anything is possible as He continues to work in and through us.  In some ways, it’s been a relief that we don’t have kids when we’ve dealt with major health complications, the deaths of our parents and other family members, financial worries, car issues, etc.  

Working with kids and other adults who see how I am with children, I am frequently asked the questions: Do you have any children? (or when young kids ask): Are you a mommy?  The reflection I wrote called A Mother's Heart has given me some comforting aspects of mothering to think about and pray over.

Lord, lead us to be who You have called us to be and open our hearts to anything You call us to do that will bring You greater glory in time and eternity while helping others to experience the tenderness and compassion of your unconditional love. Amen. 

Please keep us and all couples who love kids but for whatever reason don't have any of their own at this point in your prayers. Thanks!