Dear Family and friends,
We want to be
there for you always. We want you to
feel comfortable calling us for whatever you need whenever you need it, especially
during the most difficult times! For those of you who we have been there for at
least some of the time, please know that you are not partially responsible or
at all responsible for the times when Kevin and I are feeling worn out and/or
rundown. Even if we have not been as good
about calling, visiting, or checking in with you lately as we could be, please
rest assured that you our on our minds, in our thoughts, and
certainly in our prayers.
Our struggle has a
lot more to do with being upset for the times we don't feel we have much to
offer anyone, even each other and those closest to us. We struggle with feeling like we’re not
enough, not who anyone wants or needs us to be, not living up to what anyone
would like or expects of us. It’s
painful when some of the ways we’d like to be able to reach out and help
others, we no longer are in a position, physically, emotionally, spiritually,
or financially that we can offer the assistance we’d like to offer and in many
cases have given in the past.
Still Searching
Kevin’s been
looking for work ever since he lost his job on Labor Day, and though he’s had
some good leads and applied to a number of places, nothing’s come together, yet. He’s networked with some great people and
been given some prospects to check out.
He’s kept an open mind, kept praying, and kept pounding the
pavement. Last week, he received the
letter saying that he’d been sent his last unemployment check. He was hit with a wave of frustration, anger,
and anxiety that he hasn’t found a new job, yet.
Regardless of
what other things are going on, I’ve needed to take pretty much every subbing
job I’ve been offered due to our financial situation. Don't get me wrong; I love working at school with different age groups
of children and a number of great teachers teachers. I’ve learned a
great deal and have come to appreciate the Montessori method as an ideal way of
educating children. However, as anyone
who has served as a substitute knows, it can be more exhausting than usual when
you don’t yet know the routine or all of the kids and specifics of the role played
by the person for whom you’re filling that day.
There’s so much to try and remember and learning on-the-go can be a
challenge in an environment where there are already a significant number of
important Department of Social Services rules, regulations, and procedures to
keep in mind.
Running on Empty
Over the past couple
months, I’ve most often felt like I’ve been running on empty. We’ve had so much going on that it’s been
hard to catch my breath. I’m behind on a
number of things as is really obvious if you look around our apartment or
consult any one of my “To Do Lists.” I
can’t seem to relax much, because I always feel like there’s something else I
should be doing. Yes, I know that I just
finished reading
Crash the Chatterbox twice in a row, but it’s so flipping
difficult to put it into practice day in and day out.
Anywhere I look, I
see and think about something I should be doing for our marriage, our family,
friends, to improve our financial situation, to straighten up our place, to
minister to others, and it just makes me more discouraged when I get so caught
up in all that I could be doing and some of what I should be doing that I haven’t
yet.
Enjoy the Ride
A Cursillo friend
of ours who is single and lives alone was recovering from knee surgery and then
had shoulder surgery at the beginning of April and needed help with rides to
and from her physical therapy appointments, and such. I think of her regularly and get upset with
myself for not having checked up on her recently or at the very least sent her
a card. Kevin and I were blessed to be
in position that we could help.
I showed up to
give our friend a ride and couldn’t pull it together soon enough before I got
to her place that she could tell I’d been crying. There are few things that make me feel as
ridiculous and pitiful as feeling the least bit sad or depressed when I’m well
aware that others are suffering way worse than I am.
Did my friend get
in the car and ask me what could I possibly have to cry about since I didn’t
recently have to have a series of IV infusions just so I could finally have the
knee surgery, followed by shoulder surgery after a car accident a year before
that wasn’t even my fault? No. Did she tell me that I should be wildly
rejoicing because I’m able to move around without difficulty, have a husband
who loves me, don’t live alone, have family nearby, and friends who care about
me? No.
She got in the car and was genuinely concerned about what had happened
that made me feel so upset that I am not enough in any area of my life and that
I can’t seem to do anything right. (Unfortunately,
these are beliefs about myself I have struggled with most of my life that
sometimes drag me down further than other times. I’m better at fighting them sometimes than
others).
I am amazed by
this woman’s fighting spirit and can do attitude. She is persistent and insistent that she get
through these surgeries and get back to an active lifestyle. She’s assured those of us who used to gather
weekly for prayer group that come summer, she’ll be running circles around all
of us again.
An Influx of Family Visits
The week leading
up to the Women’s Cursillo Weekend was even busier than I’d expected it to be
and more tiring. Holy Week is usually a
full time for us anyway, but we had even more packed in this time. On Good Friday, Kevin’s sister and
brother-in-law stopped in while driving down to meet their newest
granddaughter, so we spent some time with them before heading to church for the
Veneration of the Cross. Saturday, we
met them in the morning, then we headed over to my sister’s house to see my
uncle, aunt, two cousins, and their two friends, who were in town for lunch and
an afternoon visit at my sister’s house before they drove back home to upstate
New York. That evening, Kevin and I
attended the Easter Vigil at St. Michael’s, which was quite beautiful, as
always.
A Window of Opportunity
I spent a good
chunk of time that week putting together blog posts, journal entries, and
writing a very long letter to Michele Morris, so I could send her a package of
things during the two weeks after Easter when she can receive, read, and
respond to mail to let her know what’s going on in our area with Cursillo, mutual
family and friends, etc. In the letter I
sent her at Christmastime, I’d let her know that I would be serving on team for
Cursillo on the weekend of Divine Mercy Sunday, so I knew she would be praying
for everyone participating on the weekend, especially during that time.
A Loved One Lost
The Wednesday
before Cursillo began, Kevin and I had a funeral to attend that morning at
Epiphany on the Southside. Kay Marie
Geiger, who had been really sick with cancer for a number of months, went to be
with the Lord, so we gathered with her family, many friends, and Cursillistas
to celebrate her life and legacy. (Life
has been so crazy, busy, and hectic since then that I have yet to finish
writing my tribute to this wonderful woman who has been such a loving,
compassionate presence in our lives).
Now is the Time: ACTION
The evening of April
23, 2014, we spent several hours at Shalom House unloading cars, moving lots of
furniture and beginning to get things set-up for the Women’s Cursillo Weekend
that took place April 24-27.
Thursday,
another team member and I arrived back at Shalom House in the early afternoon
to continue preparations. There was so
much running around and taking care of things that I managed to go the entire
weekend without having a really in-depth, intimate conversation with anyone at
all. I have a hard time keeping up with
all the running if I don’t connect with anyone on a deeper level than
discussing the weather, meals, logistics, and other surface stuff.
Everyone on our
team was wonderful, pitching in wherever needed, regardless of their assigned
roles, but we were down an “angel,” those responsible for making sure
everything and everyone is where they need to be and where it needs to be at or
by the time specified. One of our angels
had to have a double mastectomy a few weeks before the Cursillo, and she
blessed us by coming for a few hours when she was up to it and to give her talk,
but her work and offerings during the weekend itself, understandably, needed to
be predominantly prayers since she was still recovering from surgery. I should have visited her or sent her a few
cards by now, but again, I haven’t.
She’s certainly been in my thoughts and prayers, though.
Sharing Straight from the Heart
Two of the talks
given on Divine Mercy Sunday as part of the Cursillo weekend I knew would hit
me really hard. One talk was given by a
woman who bravely shared the story of how she and her family have felt God’s
presence and love in the months since last September when their youngest son
committed suicide. The second talk was
given by the woman who has also found strength and hope in the Cursillo
community when she was diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer and this
time had a double mastectomy and will also need chemo and radiation. I made it through each of these talks by
sitting in the way back of the room, letting the tears stream down my face,
then leaving the minute they were finished to go back and have some quiet time
to myself in our room. By Sunday
evening, I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and ready to
collapse.
While You Were Gone
Within the next
couple days, we learned of troubling news about some of our close friends. One friend, whom I had invited to come on the
weekend and who discerned that this wasn’t the right time for her to go, informed
us that the previous Thursday she’d found out that her ex-husband had been
found dead in his apartment. He had not
been in good health, nor had he taken very good care of himself, but it was
still unexpected and, of course, hard on the family. Kevin and I devoted an evening to help clean
out the ex-husband’s apartment, which we needed a mask and gloves just to
enter. There were a number of things that
reminded me of my dad and his declining health and struggles at the end of his
life, so that wasn’t easy to manage. We
attended the funeral Mass held at church which was quite beautiful, but again
reminded me of losing my dad at a young age.
Not much rest for the weary
The Monday after
the weekend, I slept and rested most of the day, then met several team members
and their spouses back up at Shalom House to clean up, move furniture back,
organize and put supplies away, and such.
We also found out
that a good friend of ours had been hospitalized for the second time in one
week. That Tuesday, Kevin and I were on
our way to Mass at St. Benedict’s.
Actually we were in the parking lot, when I happened to check my phone
before going into 5:30 Mass. I’d already
turned the ringer off, but something nudged me to look at my phone again before
heading in. Our friend whose husband had
been hospitalized called asking if we would be so kind as to pick up dinner and
bring it over to her at the hospital. We
left to go be there for our friends while they were facing a difficult time.
We’ve got your back
As we've said to the
dear friends of ours who are fighting some tough stuff, including one of them
having recently been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, it's nice to be able
to do some practical things to let you both know we love you. Sometimes, it's hard to know how to help or
what to do, so having specific things to take care of makes it easier. I need or ride or a meal or for you to get
this from the store for me are tangible things we can do to offer
assistance. We are saddened by the
burdens that some of our family and friends are carrying, but we are also very
hopeful for each one of you in the midst of these crises.
Prayers and Presence
Two of our
friends each lost a parent in the past couple months. We weren’t able to attend either of those
funerals. Another couple we know through
Cursillo lost their 20 year old son who committed suicide a couple weeks
ago. When we arrived at the Ultreya that
Friday evening that was at their parish, they were outside to receive an
outpouring of love, hugs, and condolences.
I’ve prayed for all of these people, their loved ones lost, and the
families in mourning. I’ve given each of
our friends hugs when I’ve seen them in person and expressed my sorrow over
their losses, but I have yet to send any of them sympathy cards or letters.
More than meets the eye
There are many
crosses Kevin and I are carrying which only a handful of people know about at
all. Only a select few people know the
weight and depth of these burdens and what we’ve gone through to keep moving forward
despite them. It's been a struggle for us to trust in God in
these areas when it seems like there's no change or improvement, not just
recently, but over a period of many months, even years.
Seeing the hope
and courage of others in the face of major challenges and drawbacks inspires
both of us. We are grateful that family and
friends share their joys and sorrows with us.
That's how it's supposed to be.
